Parenting Anxiety - Video Transcript

Hey, everyone. I'm Kristen, the anxiety therapist, and today's vlog is going to be about anxiety and parenting. I actually had another topic in mind, but I feel like I've had so many conversations recently, both with clients and personal conversations in which parenting and anxiety came up as a point of discussion.

And I think parenting in today's day and age is the hardest job out there. And so many people are struggling with how to be a good parent and you know what they're supposed to be doing. So I'm hoping today's video can provide you with some reassurance and maybe help you take a different perspective and how you think about parenting.

So I was actually chatting with my husband's colleague the other day and she said that she had never really had anxiety before becoming a parent and she now has a three year old boy and she was so caught up in this idea of whether or not she's doing things the right way and how to make him happy. And I think so often we get caught in this polarized thinking, which is an irrational belief system where we think that there is a right and a wrong way to do things and the reality is that there is so much in between that there is rarely a right and a wrong way to do things with our kids right, there are so many different philosophies and approaches out there and so much of the information we're fed is cultural and specific to Americans, you know, if you if you look at other cultures and the way they parent, it's completely different.

So who's to say that the way that we're approaching parenting is the right way and even within that, that so many of the approaches that we have are different even within the context of American culture. So I think it's just important to remember that parenting is such a personal experience and it really depends on sort of the temperament of your kids and your own temperament and that sure there are sort of do’s and don'ts out there, obviously we don't want you to be abusing or neglecting your children, but when it comes down to some of the more minute decisions like which summer camp they're going to attend or how you responded to them in a particular situation, there's really not a right way to do it. And so I think a lot of times we come down on ourselves so harshly if we do something that we later, look back upon and say I probably should have handled that differently.

So it's important to have compassion for ourselves when we do that. I've had friends tell me, oh, you're a therapist, you must have so much patience and know exactly what to do with your kids. And that is absolutely not the case, I lose my sh*t a lot and you know what I come back and I apologize to my kids for it and know that it's okay to make mistakes and we talk through it, you know, I do the best that I can, I really try to have patience and to help them express themselves, but of course I'm human and I struggle with anxiety myself, so of course I'm not going to respond in the best way 100% of the time.

So it's important to have that self compassion and forgive yourself if you do make a mistake, you know, and it also is important to let your children know that it's okay to make mistakes. I've worked with a lot of kids and teens over the course of my career being a therapist and I found that it's the kids who were not kind of allowed or felt that they weren't allowed to make mistakes or fail at something growing up, that they don't develop the resiliency skills that other kids do.

So, you know, if we if we never experienced failure or made a mistake or experienced, disappointment and we were either shielded from experiencing those things from our own parents, or it was sort of this internal framework where we felt like we couldn't screw up where we had to be a perfectionist or whatnot, whatever the case may be if if we didn't know how to cope with those emotions then now in adulthood when we experienced those things, they feel way more scary than they actually are. So I have a lot of clients who avoid making mistakes or failing at something or feeling disappointed because they're just scared of what that feeling will be like and they don't trust that they'll be able to handle it and make it through to the other side.

So I think it's important when it comes to parenting too, that we are teaching our kids how to not only regulate their emotions, but also how to cope with some of these distressing emotions that are just part of the human experience that we all experience throughout the course of our lives and how to equip them with the skills to cope with those feelings and and move on and not get stuck there.

So, you know, if there's anything you take away from this video, it's one that tries to get out of that polarized thinking that there's a right and a wrong way to do things that feels right to you as a parent and that will be the right thing because that is your reality.

And then to have some compassion for yourself. So, all parents screw up sometimes, you know, nobody's perfect even if social media tells you that someone has everything together and that, you know, the kids are their kids are the happiest, healthiest things in the world.

You know, there's always something going on. And as parents, it's not our job to make our kids happy all the time. It's our job to make them feel safe and loved. And that's the bottom line. As long as your kids feel safe and loved, then you're doing a good job.

So please feel free to leave a comment or a question, share your own experiences with parenting. We're all in this together. It's the hardest job we'll have. And, I wish you the best of luck. So be sure to follow me @catharticspacecounseling, to stay up to date on new content that I put out. You can subscribe to my YouTube channel, The Anxiety Therapist or learn more about me on my website www.catharticspacecounseling.com. I hope you have a good week. Take care!