What to Do If You Have a Fear of Flying – Without the Xanax and White Knuckles

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Many people experience fear when they fly, even if they understand that statistically, it’s one of the safest ways to travel. Fear of flying, or aviophobia, can create significant stress, from nervous anticipation days before a trip to full-blown panic during turbulence. Thankfully, there are effective, science-backed techniques to make the experience easier. This blog will explore why fear of flying happens, and break down tools that can help you manage it, allowing you to fly with more serenity.

Why Do We Fear Flying?

Fear of flying stems from several common concerns, often blending physical discomfort and psychological triggers. Many people feel anxious because of the lack of control—flying is one of the few times we put our safety completely in someone else’s hands. Others feel claustrophobic due to the confined space, or worry about something going wrong despite the extremely low risk.

Fear responses are natural because they’re hardwired in our brains to protect us from threats. When the brain perceives a threat, it triggers the fight-or-flight response: stress hormones like adrenaline flood the system, causing symptoms like a racing heart, shallow breathing, and muscle tension. These physical responses, while meant to help in actual danger, only increase anxiety during a flight. Let’s dive into practical techniques to manage this anxiety effectively, starting with grounding exercises and working through methods you can use at every stage of your journey.

1. Grounding Techniques for In-Flight Anxiety

Grounding techniques are designed to keep you focused on the present, helping to shift your attention away from anxious thoughts and onto immediate, physical sensations. One of the most widely used grounding techniques is the 5-4-3-2-1 method, which involves noticing specific things around you to help bring your attention back to the present. Here’s how it works:

• 5: Name five things you can see around you. (This could be the seat in front of you, the tray table, the overhead light, etc.)

• 4: Touch four things around you, such as your seatbelt, the fabric of your seat, or the cool metal of the armrest.

• 3: Listen for three sounds you can hear, whether it’s the hum of the engine, the voices of nearby passengers, or the flight attendants moving through the aisle.

• 2: Identify two scents around you, even if they’re faint (airplane air, hand sanitizer, or your perfume/cologne).

• 1: Note one taste, like a snack or drink you have with you.

This exercise helps create a clear “here and now” focus, shifting your mind away from fears about what might happen in the future. Grounding techniques are simple to remember and can be repeated anytime you feel your anxiety ramping up.

2. Deep Breathing to Calm the Nervous System

One of the best ways to manage anxiety in any setting, including in-flight, is through deep breathing. When we’re anxious, we tend to breathe in shallow, rapid breaths, which can increase symptoms of panic like lightheadedness and chest tightness. Deep breathing counters these effects by slowing your heart rate and calming the body.

A helpful exercise is Box Breathing, which can be discreetly done in your seat and has been shown to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of our nervous system responsible for relaxation. Here’s how it works:

1. Inhale through your nose for a count of four.

2. Hold your breath for four counts.

3. Exhale slowly through your mouth for four counts.

4. Hold your breath again for four counts.

This rhythmic breathing technique can help you feel more in control of your body and, by extension, your emotions. Repeating this cycle a few times can reduce feelings of panic, making it easier to manage in-flight anxiety.

3. Coping Ahead: A Tool for Anticipatory Anxiety

If you feel anxious long before you even get to the airport, Coping Ahead is a fantastic tool to help you prepare mentally for what’s to come. Derived from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), this technique involves mentally rehearsing how you’ll handle situations that might trigger anxiety. Coping Ahead helps reduce anticipatory anxiety and builds confidence in your ability to manage the fear.

Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to apply this strategy:

Step 1: Describe the Situation

Identify the specific part of the flight that triggers the most anxiety for you, such as turbulence or takeoff. Write down the exact scenario, as this helps narrow the focus and prevents vague fears from spiraling.

• Check the facts: Remind yourself of flying’s safety record, which consistently shows that it’s one of the safest forms of travel.

Step 2: Decide on Coping Skills

Decide exactly which skills you’ll use if you start feeling anxious. For example, if turbulence is a major concern, plan to use Box Breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 method to help you stay grounded and calm.

• Having a clear plan gives you mental tools to rely on in the moment, which are often difficult to recall when fear takes over.

Step 3: Imagine the Situation Vividly

Mentally place yourself in the exact situation you described—feeling the plane take off, the hum of the engines, or a slight bump in turbulence. Imagine as if it’s happening now, in the present tense.

• This visualization helps make the situation familiar, reducing its power to surprise or overwhelm you.

Step 4: Rehearse Coping Steps

Walk through each coping action in your mind. Picture yourself reaching for your water bottle, focusing on your breathing, and practicing the 5-4-3-2-1 technique.

• This rehearsal helps to ingrain the response, building confidence in your ability to handle the situation calmly.

4. Reframing Anxious Thoughts with CBT Techniques

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques are often helpful for challenging “what-if” thoughts. The goal here is to take specific fearful thoughts, like “What if the plane crashes?” and replace them with fact-based thoughts.

One effective way to do this is to write down your anxious thoughts and challenge them directly. For example:

• Fearful Thought: “What if the plane crashes?”

• Counter-Thinking: “Statistically, flying is the safest way to travel. Pilots are highly trained, and planes are built to withstand turbulence.”

Reframing fears with logic helps counteract the brain’s tendency to catastrophize. Many people find that simply looking at these facts reduces the emotional charge of fearful thoughts, making them easier to manage.

5. Use Technology for Distraction

Sometimes the best way to handle fear is to distract your mind with something engaging. Distraction techniques are easy to implement on a plane, thanks to smartphones, tablets, and in-flight entertainment options.

• Consider downloading a calming app like Calm or Insight Timer, which have guided meditations specifically designed for in-flight anxiety.

• Bring noise-canceling headphones and curate a relaxing playlist or pick a lighthearted show or podcast to immerse yourself in.

Keeping your brain occupied with something enjoyable reduces its capacity to focus on anxiety, making distraction a great short-term solution for managing fear during the flight.

6. Understanding Turbulence (and Why It’s Normal)

For many people, turbulence is a major trigger for flying anxiety, so understanding what turbulence is and why it’s normal can help reduce fear. Turbulence is simply the movement of air currents that the plane moves through, and it’s very similar to waves moving a boat. Planes are designed to withstand turbulence, and pilots are trained to handle it.

Sitting by the wing on a plane is often considered the best seat for people with flight anxiety because it generally experiences less turbulence compared to other parts of the aircraft, as the wings are located near the plane's center of gravity, making the ride feel smoother during flight fluctuations.

• Remind yourself that the sensation of turbulence is uncomfortable but not dangerous. It’s a normal part of flying that pilots monitor and manage as part of their job.

Final Thoughts

Remember that flying is incredibly safe. Statistically, the chance of a plane crash is around 1 in 11 million, and flying remains one of the safest ways to travel. Pilots and airline staff undergo rigorous training, and every aspect of a flight follows strict safety protocols.

Managing a fear of flying is a journey, but it doesn’t have to prevent you from enjoying travel. By using grounding techniques and specific tools like Coping Ahead, you can find ways to make the experience more manageable. With time, practice, and the right preparation, each flight will become a little easier.  The more flights you take, the more exposure you get, and the more you will become desensitized to your fear of flying.

Give these strategies a try on your next flight. The more you use them, the more confident you’ll feel about staying calm.

Why You Keep Feeling Overwhelmed: The Window of Tolerance Explained

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Have you ever noticed how sometimes you feel like you can handle stress with ease, while other times even the smallest thing can send you over the edge? It’s not just about how much coffee you’ve had that day or how busy your schedule is—this has a lot to do with something called the "window of tolerance."

In psychology, the window of tolerance (WOT) is a concept that explains how we manage stress and emotions. It’s essentially the zone where we can function optimally, think clearly, and stay emotionally balanced, even when life gets challenging. But when we step outside of that window, things start to go haywire—either we feel overstimulated, overwhelmed, and anxious, or we shut down entirely and go numb. Let’s dive into the science behind the window of tolerance and explore why it’s so important to understand.

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

At its core, the window of tolerance refers to the range of arousal states we can handle before becoming emotionally dysregulated. Imagine it like a comfort zone for your nervous system. When you're inside this window, you’re able to stay calm, think logically, and manage your emotions without being overwhelmed. However, when stress, trauma, or other triggers push you outside of that window, your ability to regulate emotions falls apart.

This concept comes from the work of Dr. Dan Siegel, who has used it to explain how trauma and stress affect our nervous system. When you’re outside your window of tolerance, you enter one of two extremes:

• Hyperarousal: This is when your nervous system goes into overdrive. You may feel anxious, irritable, or panicky. Your thoughts start racing, and you can’t seem to calm down. It’s like your body is in a state of fight-or-flight.

• Hypoarousal: On the other hand, when you’re hypoaroused, your nervous system shuts down. You might feel disconnected, numb, or unable to take action. It’s a bit like hitting the freeze response, where your brain tells your body to "play dead" because it feels overwhelmed.

Why Do We Step Outside the Window?

The size of your window of tolerance is shaped by many factors, including your early childhood, history of impactful experiences, and even how you manage stress on a daily basis. Let’s look at the science behind this.

Our nervous system has two main branches that control how we respond to stress: the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The SNS is responsible for our fight-or-flight response, giving us the burst of energy we need to deal with threats. The PNS is like the brake, calming us down and helping us recover after the stress passes.

When our window of tolerance is wide, our nervous system can smoothly shift between these two states without getting stuck in hyperarousal or hypoarousal. But if your window of tolerance is narrow—often due to trauma, chronic stress, or emotional challenges—you’re more likely to get thrown off balance. Instead of handling stress well, you quickly jump into fight-or-flight or shut down completely.

Signs You’re Outside Your Window of Tolerance

It’s important to recognize when you’ve stepped outside your window of tolerance because it allows you to take steps to get back into balance. Here’s how you might feel if you’re dysregulated:

• Hyperarousal: Racing heart, shallow breathing, tension, sweating, restlessness, irritability, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, anger, and feeling constantly on edge.

• Hypoarousal: Feeling emotionally numb, disoriented, foggy, disconnected from your surroundings, lethargic, and unmotivated.

Both of these states can make it hard to function in daily life, let alone make decisions or engage in healthy relationships. The key is learning how to expand your window of tolerance so you can handle stress without becoming dysregulated.

How to Stay Inside Your Window of Tolerance

The good news is that you can widen your window of tolerance. This involves training your nervous system to stay more balanced, even when stress shows up. Here’s how you can do it:

1. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques

Mindfulness helps increase awareness of your emotional and physical state, allowing you to catch when you're moving outside your window. Practices like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and grounding exercises can help calm your nervous system when you’re overstimulated. These strategies activate the parasympathetic nervous system, pulling you back into your window.  Type these keywords into YouTube and you'll have tons of options to choose from.

2. Therapy

Therapies like somatic experiencing and trauma-informed therapy work directly with the nervous system to widen your window of tolerance. By helping you process unresolved trauma, these therapies teach your body how to better handle stress without becoming dysregulated.

3. Physical Exercise

Physical movement, especially aerobic exercise, can improve your ability to regulate stress by activating the part of your brain that’s in charge of emotional regulation (the prefrontal cortex). Regular exercise strengthens the connection between the brain and body, giving you more control over your responses to stress.  It also releases endorphins, our natural mood boosters, in addition to releasing cortisol and adrenaline, those pesky stress hormones.

4. Sleep and Nutrition

We tend to forget how much basic self-care impacts our nervous system, but sleep and nutrition are essential for maintaining a healthy window of tolerance. Sleep deprivation and poor nutrition can make you more sensitive to stress, shrinking your window. Make sure you’re getting enough rest and fueling your body with nutrient-dense foods.  It sounds so simplistic, but most people undervalue and deprioritize these things.  It's not until you experience the benefits of what you're missing out on that it truly sinks in how important these are.

Final Thoughts

Understanding your window of tolerance can help you manage stress and emotional challenges more effectively. It’s not about eliminating stress altogether—that’s impossible—but about learning how to stay within your optimal zone. By practicing mindfulness, seeking therapy when needed, staying physically active, and taking care of your body, you can widen your window of tolerance and improve your ability to handle whatever curveballs life sends.

Now that you know what the window of tolerance is and why it matters, you can start paying more attention to your emotional and physical responses throughout the day. The more you learn about your own stress thresholds, the better equipped you’ll be to stay within your own window.

How to Tell If You Have High-Functioning Anxiety and What to Do About It

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What Does High-Functioning Anxiety Look Like?

High-functioning anxiety is a term often used to describe people who appear to be killing it on the outside (successful, put together, well spoken, etc), but on the inside they're dealing with a constant undercurrent of worry, stress, or fear. It’s a strange concept because while anxiety is generally thought of as something that interferes with daily life, in the case of high-functioning anxiety, people can continue to work, socialize, and manage their responsibilities. In fact, they might even seem more productive and successful than others. But the cost? Constant mental tension that leaves them exhausted, overwhelmed, and often feeling like they’re not doing enough.

So, what exactly is high-functioning anxiety, and why do some people experience it? How does it develop, and more importantly, what can you do to manage it? Let’s dive into these questions and take a closer look.

What Causes High-Functioning Anxiety?

There isn’t a single, clear-cut answer to this question. High-functioning anxiety is typically the result of a mix of biological, environmental, and psychological factors.

Biology: Anxiety often runs in families, meaning that if one or both of your parents have struggled with anxiety, you’re more likely to experience it too. This has to do with how our brain processes stress, fear, and threats. Some people are biologically predisposed to heightened sensitivity to stress, which is linked to irregularities in neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. This often accompanies a more sensitive nervous system that springs into fight or flight more quickly.

Environment: Your upbringing and environment play a big role too. People raised in high-pressure environments where success and achievement were heavily emphasized may feel compelled to perform at an exceptionally high level, often leading to anxiety. For instance, children who were praised only for accomplishments, not for taking time to rest or care for themselves, may grow up with the belief that their worth/value is tied solely to their productivity.

Learned Behavior: Interestingly, anxiety can sometimes develop as a coping mechanism. If worrying or over-preparing has helped you avoid negative outcomes in the past, your brain learns that anxiety works as a protective strategy. This is what’s known as “negative reinforcement”—the anxiety-fueled success reinforces the idea that worrying and being overly meticulous is the reason for your accomplishments.

The Slow Burn of High-Functioning Anxiety

Most people with high-functioning anxiety don’t even realize they’re struggling because it’s just how they’ve always operated. They've been living in a constant state of worry, perfectionism, and overthinking for so long that it feels normal. The drive to succeed, stay productive, and avoid failure has likely been with them for years, so they often don’t see the anxiety as a problem—until they hit a breaking point. It’s only when burnout creeps in, or when their ability to function starts to slip, that they begin to notice something is off. For many, the idea of feeling any different—more relaxed, less pressured—feels completely foreign, as if it’s not even an option. This anxious state has been their "normal" for so long, they may not recognize there's another way to live.

What Does High-Functioning Anxiety Look Like in Everyday Life?

If you’re wondering whether this applies to you, let’s talk about the common symptoms. High-functioning anxiety doesn’t stop you from getting things done, but it often comes with a range of physical, emotional, and behavioral signs:

• Overthinking: You spend too much time replaying conversations or thinking about future scenarios, analyzing every possible detail or outcome.

• Perfectionism: You set unrealistically high standards for yourself, and even when you meet them, you feel like you could have done more or better.

• Restlessness: It’s hard to relax or enjoy downtime because your mind is always racing with tasks, to-do lists, or worries about the future.  You could always be doing something else that's more productive.

• Procrastination and bursts of productivity: You delay tasks due to fear of failure but then rush to complete them in a short time, driven by the anxiety of missing deadlines.

• Physical symptoms: You might experience tension headaches, muscle tightness, digestive issues, or trouble sleeping due to the constant mental strain.

• Fear of failure: There’s a persistent fear of falling short, making mistakes, or not living up to your own (or others’) expectations, even when you’re outwardly successful.

Why Do I Have High-Functioning Anxiety?

You may be asking, “Why me?” As I mentioned earlier, high-functioning anxiety is often a mix of biological factors, early environmental influences, and learned behaviors.  Some people’s brains are simply wired to respond more strongly to stress, making them more prone to anxiety. But, the environment you grew up in—whether it was a high-achieving family or a competitive academic setting—can also set the stage for developing this pattern.  It can also be reinforced by our society's "grind culture."  It's as though it's a constant pissing contest for who's juggling the most or working the hardest.

Psychologically, people with high-functioning anxiety often have a deep-rooted fear of failure or inadequacy. It’s this fear that drives the need to overperform, but instead of ever feeling accomplished, there’s a constant feeling that you need to keep going, that what you’ve done is never enough.  The finish line keeps moving.

Tips for Managing High-Functioning Anxiety Without Sacrificing Success

Managing high-functioning anxiety requires breaking the cycle of anxiety-fueled productivity. Here are some strategies that can help:

1. Challenge Perfectionism: One of the biggest drivers of high-functioning anxiety is perfectionism. Set more realistic goals and remind yourself that “good enough” is often just that—good enough. Progress matters more than perfection, and you are your own worst critic.  I guarantee nobody will be able to tell the difference between your 90% and your 100%.  Trust me on this one.

2. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness meditation can be a powerful tool to help you become more aware of your thoughts without getting consumed by them. Studies show that mindfulness decreases activity in the amygdala (the brain’s fear center) and increases activity in the prefrontal cortex, which helps with decision-making and emotional regulation.

3. Set Boundaries: Learning to say “no” is crucial. If you’re constantly overcommitting yourself, start setting boundaries to protect your time and energy.  Yup, it's uncomfortable, but it's non-negotiable.

4. Therapy: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is highly effective for anxiety. It teaches you how to identify and challenge anxious thoughts while also shifting the behaviors that fuel them.

5. Exercise: Regular physical activity can boost your mood, reduce stress, and improve sleep. Exercise releases serotonin and endorphins, which are natural mood stabilizers.

6. Sleep Hygiene: Make sure you’re prioritizing sleep. A well-rested brain is better equipped to handle stress and anxiety, while chronic sleep deprivation can exacerbate both.

Final Thoughts

High-functioning anxiety can be tough to spot because it’s so often hidden behind a mask of success and productivity. But the constant mental toll it takes is real, and it’s important to recognize when anxiety is driving you too hard. By implementing strategies like challenging perfectionism, practicing mindfulness, and seeking support, you can reduce your anxiety and find a healthier balance in life. Remember, productivity isn’t everything—your well-being matters too.

Overcoming Imposter Syndrome: Practical Strategies to Reclaim Your Confidence

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In the last two parts of this series, I explored what Imposter Syndrome is and where it comes from. I talked about how family of origin, social comparisons, and perfectionism can fuel feelings of self-doubt, and I examined how these roots shape the belief that we’re not good enough. Now that you have a solid understanding of the problem, it’s time to focus on the solution. This final part will give you practical tools and mindset shifts to help you overcome Imposter Syndrome and take back your confidence.

Let’s dive into the tools, exercises, and behavioral changes that can help you stop feeling like a fraud and start owning your success.

Practical Tools for Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

Recognizing the roots of Imposter Syndrome is just the beginning. To truly overcome it, you need to challenge the negative thoughts and beliefs that keep you stuck in self-doubt. Here are some practical strategies to help you do that:

1. Cognitive Reframing: Challenge Your Imposter Thoughts

One of the most effective ways to combat Imposter Syndrome is by changing how you think about yourself. Cognitive reframing is a technique used in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to shift negative or distorted thinking patterns. The idea is to challenge your imposter thoughts and replace them with more realistic, balanced ones.

When you find yourself thinking, “I don’t deserve to be here” or “I’m not as good as people think I am,” pause and ask yourself: What is the evidence for and against this thought?

For example, if you believe you only got a promotion because of luck, look at the facts: What hard work or skills contributed? Did others recognize your effort? The goal is to ground yourself in reality, not feelings.

Exercise:
Next time an imposter thought pops up, write it down. Then, list the facts that prove why that thought isn’t true. Over time, this process will help retrain your brain to see things more clearly.

2. Self-Compassion: Be Kind to Yourself

We are often our own worst critics, especially when we’re feeling inadequate. Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Instead of beating yourself up for not being perfect, practice accepting your mistakes and imperfections as part of being human.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff's research, self-compassion involves three components:

• Self-kindness (vs. self-judgment): Speaking to yourself kindly, rather than harshly.

• Common humanity (vs. isolation): Realizing that everyone makes mistakes, and you’re not alone.

• Mindfulness (vs. over-identification): Being aware of your feelings without letting them take over.

Exercise:
The next time you catch yourself being self-critical, pause and ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” Then, try speaking to yourself in the same way. This simple shift can help ease the pressure you put on yourself and build resilience.

3. Grounding in Facts: Keep a “Wins Journal”

When Imposter Syndrome hits, it’s easy to focus on what you think you’re doing wrong and overlook your successes. To counter this, start keeping a “wins journal” where you record your accomplishments—big and small.

Writing down your achievements helps you create a record of evidence that you’re capable and deserving. Over time, this journal becomes a powerful reminder of what you’ve achieved, making it harder for imposter feelings to take root.

For me, this looked like keeping a folder with all of the positive feedback I received from my students at the end of each term when they completed their class evaluations.  If I ever doubted my teaching skills or knowledge base, I would go back and read through their comments for a confidence booster.

Exercise:
Each day or week, write down at least one “win” in your journal. It can be something as simple as receiving positive feedback, solving a problem at work, or completing a task you’ve been avoiding. The key is to remind yourself of your successes, even when your mind is fixated on your shortcomings.

Behavioral Shifts to Overcome Imposter Syndrome

In addition to changing how you think, you’ll need to shift certain behaviors that reinforce imposter feelings. Here are a few changes you can make to help overcome Imposter Syndrome for good:

1. Adopt a Growth Mindset

People with Imposter Syndrome often have a fixed mindset—the belief that your abilities are set in stone. When you have a fixed mindset, failure feels like proof that you’re not good enough. In contrast, a growth mindset is the belief that your skills and intelligence can develop over time with effort.  This is based on the research of Carol Dweck (I recommend looking up her book).

With a growth mindset, failure isn’t something to fear - it’s an opportunity to learn. Shifting to this mindset helps you embrace challenges and see mistakes as part of the learning process, not as evidence of your inadequacy.

Example:
Instead of thinking, “I’m not cut out for this job,” reframe it as, “There's a learning curve with everything, and I will improve my skills over time.” By focusing on growth rather than perfection, you can reduce the pressure to always perform at 100%.

2. Find Mentorship and Community

One of the most damaging aspects of Imposter Syndrome is the sense of isolation it creates. You might feel like you’re the only one struggling, but the truth is, many people - especially high achievers - feel the same way. Seeking out mentors and building a supportive community can help you break the cycle of self-doubt.

A mentor can offer guidance, perspective, and reassurance when you’re feeling uncertain. Similarly, being part of a community where you can openly discuss your challenges (without judgment) helps normalize those feelings and makes you realize you’re not alone.

Action Step:
If you don’t already have a mentor, reach out to someone you respect and ask if they’d be willing to offer you advice or support. You can also join professional groups or networks where others share their experiences and insights. Sometimes, just talking to someone who’s been there can make all the difference.

One of my clients is an attorney and took a continuing education course on Imposter Syndrome.  They had NO IDEA it affected so many people and found a lot of comfort in knowing that information.

3. Seek Professional Support When Needed

While these tools and exercises are incredibly helpful, sometimes Imposter Syndrome can be more deeply ingrained, and self-help strategies alone may not be enough. Therapy or coaching can be valuable for working through more persistent imposter feelings.

If Imposter Syndrome is severely affecting your mental health or career, don’t hesitate to seek help from a professional who can guide you through it in a structured way.

Conclusion: Embrace Your Success and Keep Challenging Imposter Beliefs

Overcoming Imposter Syndrome takes time and effort, but it’s absolutely possible with the right tools and mindset shifts. By challenging your imposter thoughts, practicing self-compassion, grounding yourself in facts, and making positive behavioral changes, you can start to feel more confident in your abilities.

Remember, Imposter Syndrome thrives on isolation and self-doubt. The more you engage with your accomplishments and share your experiences with others, the less power it has. You’ve worked hard to get where you are - now it’s time to own it.

In the end, overcoming Imposter Syndrome isn’t about being perfect. It’s about embracing your imperfections, trusting your abilities, and recognizing you’re worthy of your success.

The Origins of Imposter Syndrome: Understanding Where Self-Doubt Comes From (Part 2)

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In Part 1, we explored what Imposter Syndrome is, how it manifests in different ways, and why so many high-achievers feel like they don’t deserve their success. Now, it’s time to dig into why these feelings arise in the first place. Imposter Syndrome doesn’t just appear out of nowhere—it often has deep roots in our past experiences, family dynamics, and the way we see the world.

Understanding where these feelings come from is essential for figuring out how to deal with them. So let’s take a closer look at the common sources of Imposter Syndrome and how they shape our sense of self.

Root Causes of Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome is a mix of learned behavior, cognitive biases, and environmental influences. There isn’t a single reason people feel like frauds, but several factors tend to contribute to these feelings. The most common causes are related to family dynamics, social comparisons, and perfectionism. Let’s break each of these down.

1. Family of Origin

Our earliest experiences with self-worth and success are often shaped by our family. If you grew up in a family where achievement was highly valued, you might have learned that your worth is tied to how much you accomplish. This often happens in homes where parents have high expectations or are particularly critical. When you’re constantly striving to meet others’ expectations, it becomes easy to internalize the idea that nothing you do is ever good enough.

Some people grow up being praised for specific qualities, like being “the smart one” or “the responsible one.” On the surface, this seems positive, but it can create a lot of pressure. If you’re constantly praised for being intelligent, for example, you might start to believe that any struggle or mistake means you’re not living up to that label. As a result, when things don’t come easily, you might feel like a fraud.

On the flip side, some families don’t offer much recognition or support at all. If your accomplishments were ignored or downplayed growing up, it’s easy to develop a mindset where you feel like your successes don’t count or aren’t “real.” This can lead to chronic feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt later in life, even when you’re objectively successful.

Example:
Imagine growing up with parents who expected you to get perfect grades. Even when you got an A-minus, it wasn’t good enough. Now, in adulthood, you might feel like any small mistake at work reflects on your overall competence. This learned pressure to be perfect can easily morph into Imposter Syndrome when you feel like you’re never truly “meeting the mark.”

2. Social Comparisons

We live in a world where comparing ourselves to others is practically unavoidable. Whether it’s through social media, at work, or even among friends, it’s easy to look at others and feel like they have everything together while you’re struggling behind the scenes. This is especially true in environments where success is highly visible, such as competitive workplaces or industries where reputation matters.

What makes this worse is that social comparisons are often unfair. We tend to compare our internal struggles to other people’s external successes. On platforms like LinkedIn or Instagram, for example, we only see the polished highlights of other people’s lives, not the messy parts. Meanwhile, we’re fully aware of our own challenges, setbacks, and moments of self-doubt. This creates a gap between how we see ourselves and how we assume others are doing, leading to feelings of inferiority.

Social comparisons can be especially brutal for high achievers. In environments where everyone is pushing themselves to excel, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling, even though many of your peers likely feel the same way. The more you compare yourself to others’ successes, the more you feel like you’re falling behind.

Example:
You land a great new job and feel excited, but then you see on social media that a friend just got promoted to a C-suite role. Instead of feeling proud of your own achievement, you feel like you’re not doing enough. This constant comparison can feed into Imposter Syndrome by making you feel like you’re never quite measuring up.

3. Perfectionism

Perfectionism is one of the biggest drivers of Imposter Syndrome. Perfectionists set unrealistically high standards for themselves and believe that anything less than flawless is a failure. This mindset makes it nearly impossible to feel satisfied with your accomplishments because no matter how well you do, there’s always something that could have been better.

The issue with perfectionism is that it creates a no-win situation. Even when you succeed, you don’t allow yourself to celebrate because you’re too focused on the areas where you fell short. Over time, this leads to a sense that you’re “faking” your success, because in your mind, it’s never quite good enough to be considered real.

Perfectionism often stems from early experiences, whether it’s being held to high standards as a child or developing a fear of failure. When you’re constantly trying to live up to an impossible ideal, it reinforces the belief that you’re not truly capable, which is a core aspect of Imposter Syndrome.

Example:
You just completed a big project at work and got positive feedback from your boss. But instead of feeling accomplished, you’re obsessing over the one slide in your presentation that had a grammatical error. Even though no one else noticed, you’re stuck in the mindset that your work wasn’t good enough, and this reinforces the feeling that you’re not really cut out for your role.

Personal Reflections: Where Do Your Imposter Feelings Come From?

Understanding the roots of Imposter Syndrome isn’t just an academic exercise—it’s a powerful tool for self-awareness. The more you can pinpoint where your feelings of inadequacy come from, the easier it is to challenge them. Below are a few reflection prompts to help you think about how your own experiences might have contributed to these feelings.

1. Family Expectations:

   • Did your parents or family members place a lot of emphasis on achievement?

   • Were you praised for certain qualities, like being smart or responsible?

   • How did your family react when you made mistakes or didn’t live up to expectations?

2. Social Comparisons:

   • When do you find yourself comparing your success to others?

   • Do you compare your struggles to others’ successes, especially on social media?

   • How often do these comparisons lead you to feel like you’re falling behind, even when you’re doing well?

3. Perfectionism:

   • Can you think of a time when you succeeded at something but couldn’t feel proud because it wasn’t “perfect”?

   • Do you frequently focus on your mistakes or shortcomings rather than the overall success?

   • How often do you hold yourself to standards that no one else expects from you?

Taking the time to reflect on these questions can help you see the patterns in your thinking and behavior that contribute to Imposter Syndrome. These insights will be crucial for working through these feelings in the next stage of your journey.

Knowing where your Imposter Syndrome comes from is essential for overcoming it. Whether it’s rooted in your family dynamics, driven by social comparisons, or fueled by perfectionism, understanding the cause is the first step to sidestepping these feelings.

In Part 3, we’ll explore practical tools and strategies to overcome Imposter Syndrome. From changing your mindset to specific actions you can take, we’ll cover how to build confidence, let go of unrealistic standards, and finally stop feeling like a fraud. Stay tuned!

Why High Achievers Struggle with Imposter Syndrome (And How to Overcome It) - Part 1

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Ever find yourself thinking, “I don’t belong here” after a promotion, a new job, or even hitting a personal milestone? Instead of celebrating, you might worry that everyone around you will figure out that you don’t really know what you’re doing. That feeling? It’s called Imposter Syndrome.

I’ve been there too, and believe me, you're not alone. But why does this happen, especially to high-achievers? Why do people with obvious success still feel like frauds? In this post, I'm going to explore what Imposter Syndrome is, how it shows up in different ways, and why it’s important to recognize when it’s happening to you.  This is the first of a 3-part weekly series: (1) The What, (2) The Why, and (3) The How.  Let's start with The What.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Syndrome is that persistent feeling that you’ve somehow tricked everyone into thinking you’re more capable than you actually are. Despite evidence of your accomplishments—whether it’s a degree, a successful project, or a promotion—you still feel like you’re not truly qualified. The core belief behind Imposter Syndrome is, “I’m a fraud, and sooner or later, people will figure it out.”

What’s fascinating is that this phenomenon is most common among high-achievers. People who push themselves, strive for excellence, or find themselves in leadership roles tend to feel it the most. Studies suggest that around 70% of people will experience Imposter Syndrome at some point in their lives, and it can hit at any stage of a career, from recent graduates to seasoned professionals.

It’s not about actually being underqualified or undeserving. Instead, Imposter Syndrome is tied to how we internalize success. When you achieve something, your mind may downplay it as luck or timing (external sources) rather than recognizing your own skills and hard work (internal sources).

The Different Faces of Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome isn’t one-size-fits-all. In fact, it shows up in five different forms, depending on how you experience that self-doubt. Let’s go over each type and see if any of these sound familiar.

1. The Perfectionist

Perfectionism and Imposter Syndrome often go hand-in-hand. Perfectionists have impossibly high standards for themselves, and anything less than perfect feels like a failure. Even when they achieve great things, they tend to focus on what didn’t go perfectly instead of celebrating the success.

The problem with this mindset is that perfection is unattainable. When you’re constantly striving for something unrealistic, it feeds into the feeling that you’re not good enough, because there’s always something you could’ve done better.

Example: Let’s say you worked on a big project and it was well-received by your team or client. But all you can think about is the minor formatting issue in one part of the presentation. Even though everyone else thinks you did an amazing job, that small mistake makes you feel like you’ve fallen short.

2. The Superwoman/Superman

This type feels the pressure to be a star in all areas of life—not just at work, but in relationships, personal hobbies, and even self-care. They believe they need to excel at everything, often taking on more than they can realistically manage. When they can’t keep up with the demands of their superhuman expectations, they feel like they’re failing across the board.

Example: You might be excelling at work, but because you missed a few gym sessions or forgot to call a friend back, you feel like you're dropping the ball. Instead of recognizing that juggling everything is tough, you feel inadequate for not being "on top of it" in every area of your life.

3. The Natural Genius

Natural Geniuses believe they should excel at tasks without much effort. When things don’t come easily or they struggle with something new, it triggers feelings of inadequacy. They’re used to being “the smart one” or the person who picks things up quickly, so they interpret any difficulty as a sign that they’re not actually as capable as people think.

Example: Imagine starting a new job where you need to learn a complicated software program. Instead of recognizing that everyone struggles with new skills at first, you take this as evidence that you’re not as smart as you thought. You may even avoid learning new things altogether because the process of struggling makes you feel like a fraud.

4. The Soloist

Soloists believe they need to do everything by themselves. Asking for help feels like an admission of incompetence, so they avoid it at all costs. This can create unnecessary stress, as they push through tasks alone that would be far easier with some assistance. The Soloist’s motto is: “If I can’t do this on my own, I must not be good enough.”

Example: You’ve been working on a project for days, and it’s not going well. You know a colleague could easily help, but instead of reaching out, you keep going alone, thinking that asking for help would show that you’re not capable of handling it.

5. The Expert

Experts think they need to know everything before they can be considered competent. Even after gaining qualifications, years of experience, or achieving success, they never feel like they know enough. The Expert is constantly seeking more knowledge and skills but never feels “qualified enough” to be considered an authority in their field.

Example: You’ve been working in your industry for over a decade, but you still feel like you need to take just one more course or get one more certification before you can truly consider yourself an expert. You don’t trust the experience you’ve gained because there’s always more to learn.

Yup, this is me 

The Science Behind Imposter Syndrome

Why do so many of us feel this way, even when the facts clearly say otherwise? Imposter Syndrome is a mix of psychological factors, cognitive biases, and social influences. Here are some of the key reasons it happens:

1. Cognitive Biases:
   Our brains have a natural tendency to focus on negative experiences more than positive ones. Psychologists call this the negativity bias, and it’s a survival mechanism that evolved to help us avoid danger. While this bias was useful when our ancestors had to remember which berries were poisonous, it’s not as helpful when we’re assessing our own success. Instead of focusing on your wins, your brain zeroes in on the mistakes, fueling the feeling that you’re not really good enough.

2. Comparison Bias:
   Have you ever scrolled through social media and felt like everyone else is crushing it while you’re just getting by? That’s the comparison bias at work. We tend to compare our struggles with other people’s highlight reels. You’re comparing their best moments to your hardest challenges, which leads to an unfair, distorted view of yourself.

3. Perfectionism:
   Many of us grew up in environments where success was highly valued, whether that was in school, sports, or within our families. When you were praised for being “smart” or “talented,” it set up an expectation that you must always live up to those labels. If you hit a roadblock, struggle with a task, or fail, it feels like a sign that you’ve somehow lost your edge, fueling feelings of inadequacy.

Why It’s Important to Recognize Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome isn’t just about feeling a bit unsure of yourself. Over time, it can take a serious toll on your mental health, relationships, and professional success. People with Imposter Syndrome are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, and burnout. The constant feeling of inadequacy leads to overworking, fear of failure, and reluctance to take on new challenges because of the fear of being “found out.”

It also affects relationships. People who struggle with Imposter Syndrome often downplay their achievements, reject compliments, and avoid seeking help. This can distance them from colleagues, friends, and loved ones, as they put up walls to avoid being exposed.  They also fear talking about their Imposter Syndrome because they feel like they're the only ones who experience it, therefore reinforcing those fraudulent feelings and isolation.

Professionally, it’s a double-edged sword. While the drive to prove oneself can lead to high achievement, it can also lead to overcompensation—working long hours, taking on too much responsibility, or avoiding new opportunities for fear of failure. This can create a cycle of burnout and self-doubt, even in the most capable people.

Wrapping Up

Imposter Syndrome is more common than you think, and it’s not limited to people just starting their careers. It affects high-achievers and professionals at all stages. Recognizing it is the first step in dealing with it. Understanding how it manifests in different ways can help you catch those feelings of self-doubt before they spiral.

In the next part of this series, we’ll dive into the origins of Imposter Syndrome and explore how early experiences and environments shape these feelings. Stick around—you might be surprised at what’s really driving your imposter feelings.

How to Stop Assuming the Worst: Understanding Anxiety’s Impact on Your Relationships

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Have you ever caught yourself in a situation where, despite evidence to the contrary, you’re absolutely convinced things are going to go wrong? Maybe you didn’t get a quick reply to a text, so you assume the person’s mad at you, or a project at work hits a snag, and suddenly you’re sure your boss is planning to fire you. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. This tendency to assume the worst is often linked to anxiety, and while it might feel like you’re just being cautious or realistic, there’s a deeper reason your brain defaults to this.

Why Do We Assume the Worst?

From an evolutionary standpoint, assuming the worst has some merit. Our brains are wired to prioritize survival over happiness, and back in the day, that meant constantly scanning the environment for danger. If our ancestors saw something move in the bushes, it was safer to assume it was a predator rather than a gust of wind. Being overly cautious probably saved a lot of lives.

But fast forward to today, and while we no longer need to dodge sabertooth tigers, our brains are still on high alert for potential threats. Only now, those threats aren’t physical — they’re emotional. This is where anxiety steps in. Anxiety is essentially your brain’s way of telling you, “Hey, something might go wrong, so let’s prepare for it.” While that can be helpful in small doses, constantly expecting the worst can backfire, particularly when it comes to relationships and personal well-being.

The Protective Mechanism: Anxiety as Armor

Here’s the thing — when we assume the worst, it’s often a protective mechanism. It’s like we’re putting on emotional armor, trying to shield ourselves from getting hurt. If you’re already expecting the worst, any disappointment that comes along won’t feel as crushing because you’ve mentally prepared for it......or so we think.

But where does this mindset come from? Often, it stems from past experiences. If you’ve been burned by people before — maybe by friends who let you down or a partner who broke your trust — it’s natural to build walls. You learn, consciously or not, that being vulnerable leads to pain, and you make a subconscious vow to not let that happen again. So, assuming the worst becomes your way of staying “in control.” You think, “If I expect people to disappoint me, I won’t be caught off guard when they do.”

On the surface, this sounds like a decent strategy. But the problem is, it’s a short-term fix that leads to long-term issues.  It also doesn't truly protect you from the disappointment you're attempting to avoid.

The Self-Sabotage Spiral

While you think assuming the worst can protect you from disappointment, it actually reinforces a negative narrative — the idea that you can’t trust anyone. And when you believe you can’t trust others, you’re less likely to let people in, which limits your ability to form deep, meaningful connections.

Here’s how it plays out: You meet someone new, but instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt, you assume they’ll eventually betray or disappoint you, just like others have. So you keep your guard up, either consciously or subconsciously. Maybe you’re less open, or you don’t fully engage. Over time, this creates distance in the relationship or difficulty forming one in the first place. The other person senses this and may start pulling away, and when they do, you tell yourself, “See, I knew it — I can’t trust anyone.”

This is self-sabotage in action. By expecting the worst, you actually contribute to the very outcome you’re trying to avoid.

The Science Behind It: Negativity Bias and Emotional Safety

What’s going on in the brain here? Neuroscientists would point to something called negativity bias. This is our brain’s tendency to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones. Studies show that negative experiences have a stronger impact on our memory and emotional state than positive experiences. In other words, our brains are wired to hold onto the bad stuff more tightly, which is why it’s so hard to break free from expecting the worst.

But while that negativity bias might have once helped our ancestors survive, it’s now driving us toward emotional isolation. This is where anxiety, particularly social anxiety, comes in. When you’ve been hurt before, your brain kicks into protection mode, scanning every new interaction for red flags and potential dangers. It feels safer to be on guard because your brain believes it’s keeping you safe from future harm.

Rewiring Your Thinking: The Power of Vulnerability

So how do we stop assuming the worst? A big part of it is rewiring your brain’s instinctive reactions and building new habits of thinking. One of the most effective ways to do this is through vulnerability.

Now, I know — the idea of vulnerability sounds terrifying, especially if you’ve been hurt before. But hear me out. Vulnerability is crucial for forming trust and intimacy in any relationship, whether it’s romantic, professional, or personal. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you’re taking a risk, yes, but you’re also creating the possibility for connection.

Brené Brown, a research professor and expert on vulnerability, has done extensive work showing that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. It takes courage to be open, but that’s also the only way to create real, lasting connections.

Moving Forward: Balancing Protection and Openness

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should throw all caution to the wind and trust everyone you meet. There’s a balance to be struck between protecting yourself and allowing yourself to be open to new experiences and relationships. It’s about recognizing when your brain is trying to protect you with outdated strategies and gently guiding it toward a more balanced approach.  I don't mean diving into the vulnerability pool head first.  Instead, you can do this by sharing a little bit at a time and seeing how the other person responds.  If they make you feel validated and respected, it's probably safe to share more.  If they are dismissive or invalidating, they're probably not someone you can be too vulnerable with.

Next time you catch yourself assuming the worst, pause for a moment. Ask yourself, “Is there real evidence to support this fear, or is this my anxiety talking?” Remind yourself that vulnerability, while scary, is the only way to break the cycle of self-sabotage. Over time, with practice, you’ll find it gets easier to let people in — and you might be surprised at how often they prove you wrong.  Assuming the worst is a common response when anxiety’s in the driver’s seat, but it doesn’t have to dictate your relationships or your peace of mind. By understanding the protective mechanisms at play, recognizing the role of past hurts, and learning to lean into vulnerability, you can begin to reshape the way you view others and, ultimately, yourself.

How to Calm Your Mind: A Deep Dive into DBT’s Most Powerful Tools

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Navigating intense emotions and distress can feel overwhelming at times. Trust me, I’ve been there. But what if I told you there’s a way to not only survive those tough moments but actually come out the other side feeling more grounded and in control? That’s where Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, comes in. This is the final blog in my series about DBT, and this week I'm diving into four key DBT skills that can make a huge difference: mindfulness, positive self-talk, self-soothing, and radical acceptance.

1. Mindfulness: Mastering the Art of Being Present

Mindfulness is like the foundation of DBT—it’s where everything starts. It’s all about being present in the moment without letting your mind get hijacked by thoughts about the past or worries about the future. When you practice mindfulness, you can approach situations with what DBT calls a “wise mind,” a balance between logic and emotion.

Wise Mind: Think of wise mind as the middle ground where your rational mind (facts, logic) and your emotional mind (feelings, impulses) meet. When you’re in your wise mind, you’re making decisions that take into account both your thoughts and your emotions, leading to more balanced choices.

What Skills: These are the basic actions you take to practice mindfulness:

• Observe: Notice your surroundings, thoughts, and feelings without getting caught up in them.

• Describe: Put words to what you’re experiencing without judgment. For example, “I’m feeling anxious” instead of “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”

• Participate: Fully engage in what you’re doing, whether it’s talking to a friend or washing the dishes.

How Skills: These tell you how to apply the “what” skills:

• Non-judgmentally: See things as they are without labeling them as “good” or “bad.”

• One-Mindfully: Focus on one thing at a time. Multitasking often pulls us away from being fully present.

• Effectively: Do what works best in the situation, rather than sticking to what you think should work.  Focus on the outcome you want.

Two Types of Mindfulness:

• Opening the Mind: This involves observing or watching whatever comes into awareness without holding onto or pursuing whatever happens to enter. It is the simple act of noticing thoughts, emotions, and sensations.

• Focusing the Mind: This involves focusing your attention on specific internal or external events. For example: you can focus on deep breathing. This can help reduce the noise in your head and bring a sense of calm, and is what guided meditations assist with.

2. Positive Self-Talk: Rewiring Your Brain’s Narrative

Now, let’s talk about how our brains are wired, particularly when it comes to the stories we tell ourselves. If you’ve ever caught yourself in a loop of negative thoughts, you’re not alone. Our brains have a natural tendency to lean toward negativity, something that’s been dubbed the “backwards brain.” This tendency is partly due to survival instincts—our ancestors needed to focus on potential threats to stay safe.

ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts): These are the negative thoughts that pop into your head automatically, often without you even realizing it. Many of these ANTs develop by the time we’re around seven years old. The problem is, they’re not always accurate or helpful. For example, thoughts like “I’m a failure” or “Nobody likes me” are common ANTs that can spiral into more distress.

How to Counter ANTs with Positive Self-Talk: The idea isn’t to simply replace negative thoughts with overly optimistic ones, but rather to challenge and reframe them. Here’s a process you can try:

1. Catch the Thought: Notice when an ANT pops up.

2. Examine the Evidence: Ask yourself, “What’s the proof for and against this thought?”

3. Reframe the Thought: Replace the ANT with a more balanced statement, like “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me a failure.”

3. Self-Soothing: Calming Your Senses

When you’re in distress, your nervous system can go into overdrive, making it hard to think clearly. That’s where self-soothing comes in. The idea is to engage each of your five senses to bring a sense of calm and comfort to your body and mind.

Touch: Think about things that feel comforting to the touch - feeling the warmth of the sun on your face, taking a hot shower, rubbing lotion on your hands.

Sight: Surround yourself with things that are visually calming. This could be a nature scene (real or in a photo), a piece of art you love, or simply dimming the lights.

Sound: Soothing sounds can do wonders. Whether it’s calming music, waves in the ocean, or even a guided meditation, choose what resonates with you.

Smell: Scents have a powerful effect on our mood. Experiment with essential oils, scented candles, or the smell of a campfire (one of my personal favorites).

Taste: A comforting taste can bring immediate relief. Whether it’s a warm cup of tea or a piece of dark chocolate, savor the experience.

4. Radical Acceptance: Stop Fighting Reality

Finally, let’s talk about radical acceptance, which might be one of the hardest DBT skills to practice. Radical acceptance is about acknowledging reality as it is, without trying to change it or wishing it were different. It’s not about approval or liking whatever the situation is—it’s about freeing yourself from the suffering that comes from fighting against what’s already happening.  The "radical" part means all the way - completely.  

Why It Works: The science behind radical acceptance lies in the way our brains process pain and suffering. Pain is a natural part of life, but suffering often comes from our resistance to that pain. By accepting reality, we can reduce the extra layer of suffering that our minds create.  Reality is what it is.....rejecting it doesn't change it.

How to Practice Radical Acceptance:

1. Acknowledge the Situation: Admit to yourself what’s happening, even if it’s uncomfortable.

2. Let Go of Control: Accept that you can’t change the situation, only how you respond to it.

3. Commit to Acceptance: Remind yourself that this doesn’t mean you approve of what’s happening; it just means you’re choosing not to fight reality.

Final Thoughts

DBT offers practical tools that anyone can use to navigate distress and manage emotions more effectively. Whether it’s practicing mindfulness, challenging negative thoughts, engaging in self-soothing, or embracing radical acceptance, these skills can help you build emotional resilience. They won’t make all your problems disappear, but they can give you a solid toolkit to handle whatever stressors come your way. Give these skills a try, and see which ones you want to add to your own coping toolkit.

How to Reduce Emotional Overwhelm: DBT Techniques Explained

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When we’re faced with overwhelming emotions, it’s natural to want to find ways to quickly escape the discomfort. Whether it’s stress from work, tension in relationships, or simply the pressures of daily life, intense feelings can make us act in ways that we later regret. This is where Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, comes into play. Developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan in the late 1980s, DBT was initially created to help people with borderline personality disorder, but it’s now widely used for a variety of mental health issues, especially when it comes to managing strong emotions.

DBT is packed with practical skills that can be life-changing, and today I want to talk about three of the most effective ones: STOP, Opposite Action, and Coping Ahead. These skills are like your emotional first-aid kit—they’re there to help you handle whatever life throws at you, without letting your emotions take the wheel. Let’s break them down and explore how you can use these tools to build better distress tolerance and emotional regulation.

1. The STOP Skill: Hitting Pause in the Heat of the Moment

Imagine you’re in a heated argument with someone. Your heart’s racing, your thoughts are scattered, and you feel like you’re about to explode. In these moments, our natural response is often to react immediately, sometimes in ways that escalate the situation. This is where the STOP skill can make a huge difference.

What Does STOP Stand For?

• Stop: The first step is literally to stop what you’re doing. Whatever the situation is—whether you’re about to say something you’ll regret, send an angry email, or make a rash decision—just freeze. By stopping, you’re giving yourself a moment to prevent automatic, impulsive actions.

• Take a step back: This is about creating some space between you and the situation. Physically, it could mean taking a deep breath, sitting down, or stepping outside. Mentally, it’s about taking a moment to calm your mind. This step is crucial because it helps reduce the immediate emotional intensity.

• Observe: Now that you’ve paused and taken a step back, it’s time to observe what’s happening. Look at what’s going on around you and within you. What are the facts of the situation? What are you feeling? What are the thoughts running through your head? This observation should be as non-judgmental as possible. You’re just gathering information.

• Proceed mindfully: After you’ve observed the situation, you can decide how to proceed. This means acting in a way that’s deliberate and aligned with your values and goals. Whether it’s continuing the conversation in a calmer manner, taking more time before responding, or deciding to walk away, this step is about making a conscious choice.

The Science Behind STOP

The STOP skill is rooted in the science of how our brain processes emotions. When we’re stressed or angry, the amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for our fight-or-flight response—becomes activated. This can make us react without thinking, often in ways that are more about survival than logical reasoning. The STOP skill is designed to interrupt this process. By physically and mentally pausing, you’re giving your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain responsible for planning and decision-making) a chance to engage. This shift from reactive to reflective allows you to respond to the situation more thoughtfully, reducing the likelihood of saying or doing something you might regret.

2. Opposite Action: Challenging Unhelpful Emotional Urges

We’ve all experienced moments where our emotions are pushing us in a direction that, deep down, we know isn’t helpful. Maybe you’ve felt like canceling plans because you’re anxious, or perhaps you’ve wanted to lash out in anger. These emotional urges can be powerful, but they’re not always aligned with what’s best for us. The DBT skill of Opposite Action is about recognizing when emotion is leading you astray and choosing to do the exact opposite of what you feel like doing.

How Opposite Action Works

1. Identify the Emotion: The first step in using Opposite Action is to identify what emotion you’re experiencing. Are you feeling anger, sadness, fear, shame, or something else? Being specific about what you’re feeling is important because different emotions call for different actions.

2. Assess the Action Urge: Once you’ve identified the emotion, think about what it’s driving you to do. For instance, if you’re feeling anxious, you might want to avoid a certain situation. If you’re angry, you might feel the urge to confront someone aggressively. Understanding your action urge gives you insight into what you’re about to do instinctively.

3. Check the Facts: This step involves asking yourself whether your emotional response fits the facts of the situation. Sometimes, our emotions are based on misinterpretations, assumptions, or past experiences rather than the current reality. For example, you might feel overwhelming anxiety about a social event because of a past bad experience, but that doesn’t mean this event will be the same.

4. Act Opposite: If you’ve determined that your emotion is not fully justified by the facts, it’s time to do the opposite of what your emotion is telling you to do. If you feel like avoiding a situation because of fear, try approaching it calmly. If you’re angry and feel like yelling, try speaking softly or taking a time-out. By acting opposite to your emotional urges, you’re essentially teaching your brain that the situation isn’t as threatening as it feels.

The Science Behind Opposite Action

Opposite Action is grounded in the principles of behavioral psychology, specifically the concept of behavioral activation. This idea suggests that by changing your behavior, you can influence your emotional state. For example, if you’re feeling sad and want to withdraw from social activities, forcing yourself to engage with others can actually lift your mood over time. By acting opposite to your emotional urges, you’re breaking the cycle of negative reinforcement that keeps those emotions strong. Over time, this can lead to a reduction in the intensity of those emotions, helping you to feel more in control.

3. Coping Ahead: Preparing for Emotional Challenges Before They Happen

There are certain situations in life that we know will be challenging before they even occur—whether it’s a difficult conversation, a stressful work meeting, or an event that brings up painful memories. The DBT skill of Coping Ahead is all about planning and preparing for these situations so that when they do happen, you’re ready to handle them in a way that aligns with your goals and values.

How to Practice Coping Ahead

1. Visualize the Situation: Start by thinking about the upcoming event or situation that you’re worried about. Picture it in as much detail as possible—where it will happen, who will be there, what might be said or done. This visualization helps your brain to “rehearse” the situation, making it feel less daunting when it actually occurs.

2. Identify Potential Challenges: As you visualize the situation, think about what specific challenges might arise. Will you feel anxious, angry, or sad? What thoughts or urges might come up? Identifying these challenges ahead of time allows you to prepare for them.

3. Plan Coping Strategies: Once you’ve identified the potential challenges, think about which coping skills you can use to manage them. For instance, if you anticipate feeling anxious, could you use STOP to prevent yourself from spiraling? If you think you might feel angry, could you plan to use Opposite Action to stay calm? By planning your coping strategies in advance, you’re setting yourself up for success.

4. Imagine Success: The final step is to imagine yourself successfully navigating the situation. Picture yourself using the skills you’ve planned and handling the challenges effectively. This positive visualization not only boosts your confidence but also increases the likelihood that you’ll respond well when the situation actually occurs.

The Science Behind Coping Ahead

Coping Ahead taps into the brain’s natural ability to simulate future events—a process known as prospective simulation. When we imagine future scenarios, our brain doesn’t distinguish much between what’s real and what’s imagined. This means that by mentally rehearsing how you’ll handle a challenging situation, you’re actually training your brain to respond in that way when the moment comes. This type of mental rehearsal can reduce anxiety and improve your ability to cope with stress in real-time. Additionally, by planning ahead, you’re less likely to be caught off guard by your emotions, which can help you stay in control.

Putting It All Together: A Roadmap to Emotional Resilience

DBT offers practical, science-backed tools that can significantly improve your ability to manage intense emotions and navigate life’s challenges. STOP, Opposite Action, and Coping Ahead are three skills that can be particularly effective in helping you build distress tolerance and emotional regulation.  Let's recap:

• STOP is your go-to skill when you feel overwhelmed in the moment. It helps you hit pause, gather your thoughts, and choose a more mindful response.

• Opposite Action is perfect for those times when your emotions are urging you to act in ways that aren’t helpful. By doing the opposite, you can shift your emotional state and avoid falling into negative patterns.

• Coping Ahead is about preparing for future challenges so that you’re not blindsided by your emotions when they arise. This proactive approach can make a big difference in how you handle difficult situations.

These skills are more than just techniques—they’re habits that, with practice, can become second nature. And like any new habit, they take time to develop. But the effort is well worth it. By consistently using these skills, you’re not just managing your emotions; you’re actively building your emotional resilience. This means that over time, you’ll find yourself better equipped to handle whatever life throws at you, with a sense of calm, control, and confidence.

So the next time you find yourself in a challenging emotional situation, remember these DBT skills. They’re rooted in science, easy to apply, and can help you take back control of your emotional well-being. And that’s something we could all use a little more of in our lives.

Check back next week for more helpful DBT skills!

How DBT Transforms Anxiety and Anger: A Deep Dive into Emotional Regulation

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If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably found yourself stuck in emotional quicksand at some point—whether it’s anxiety that keeps you up at night, anger that seems impossible to control, or overwhelming sadness that clouds your days. Emotions, while a natural part of life, can sometimes feel like they’re running the show, leaving you desperate for some sense of control. That’s where Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) comes in. I want to dive deep into what DBT is, how it works, and why it’s become such an important tool for managing emotions.

What is DBT?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, was developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Marsha Linehan. Originally, it was designed to treat Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a condition characterized by extreme emotional sensitivity and instability. However, over the past few decades, DBT has been adapted to help people with a variety of mental health concerns, including depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders, and substance use disorders.

What makes DBT stand out from other therapies is its unique combination of cognitive-behavioral techniques with concepts from Eastern mindfulness practices. The word "dialectical" reflects the idea of bringing together two opposing things—in this case, acceptance and change. In DBT, you learn to accept yourself and your current situation while also working towards positive change. This balance is at the heart of the therapy.

The Four Core Modules of DBT

DBT is organized into four main modules, each focusing on a different set of skills designed to help you manage emotions, handle stress, and improve your relationships. Let’s break down each one.

1. Mindfulness: The Foundation of DBT

   Mindfulness is the cornerstone of DBT and sets the stage for all the other skills you’ll learn. It’s about being fully present in the moment without judgment. This might sound simple, but in practice, it’s challenging—especially when your mind is racing with worry about the future or regrets about the past.

   In DBT, mindfulness helps you become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations as they arise. This awareness creates a pause between the emotion and your reaction, giving you the space to choose a more skillful response.

   There’s solid science behind why mindfulness works. Research shows that practicing mindfulness can lead to structural changes in the brain, specifically in areas related to self-awareness, emotional regulation, and attention. For instance, studies using MRI scans have found that mindfulness increases gray matter in the prefrontal cortex, which is associated with decision-making and impulse control.

2. Distress Tolerance: Handling Emotional Crises

   Let’s face it—life is full of stressful situations. Distress tolerance skills are all about surviving these tough moments without making things worse. Rather than trying to change the situation right away, these skills focus on accepting reality as it is, which can actually help you cope more effectively.

   Some of the most practical techniques in this module include skills like "TIPP" - Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, and Progressive muscle relaxation. These techniques are based on our body's natural responses to stress. For example, when you splash your face with cold water, you activate the "dive response," which lowers your heart rate and calms your nervous system. This isn’t just psychological—it’s a physiological reaction that can quickly bring down intense emotions.

   Other strategies, like using distraction or self-soothing techniques, can help you get through a crisis without resorting to harmful behaviors. The idea is that even in the middle of emotional chaos, you have tools to keep yourself grounded.

3. Emotion Regulation: Understanding and Managing Your Emotions

   Emotions are powerful—they can drive our actions and shape our experiences. But when emotions are too intense or poorly regulated, they can lead to problems. Emotion regulation skills in DBT are designed to help you understand your emotions, reduce their intensity, and manage them more effectively.

   One of the key tools in this module is the "ABC PLEASE" skill, which stands for Accumulate positive emotions (like an emotional savings account), Build mastery, Cope ahead, and focusing on physical well-being—treating Physical illness, balanced Eating, Avoiding mood-altering substances, getting enough Sleep, and regular Exercise.

   Let’s break these down. For example, "accumulating positive emotions" involves engaging in activities that bring you joy or satisfaction, which can buffer against negative emotions. "Building mastery" means doing things that make you feel competent and in control, which can boost your overall mood and confidence.

   There’s a lot of research supporting these strategies. For instance, regular exercise has been shown to increase levels of neurotransmitters like serotonin and endorphins, which are known to improve mood and reduce anxiety. Similarly, getting enough sleep is crucial for emotional regulation, as sleep deprivation can exacerbate negative emotions and make it harder to cope with stress.

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: Building Better Relationships

   Relationships are a major source of both happiness and stress. Interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT are about navigating these relationships in a way that gets your needs met while also maintaining respect for others.

   A key technique here is the "DEAR MAN" skill, which stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate. This structured approach helps you communicate your needs clearly and assertively without being aggressive or passive.

   Why is this important? Research shows that effective communication is linked to lower levels of stress and better overall mental health. When you’re able to express your needs and set boundaries, you’re less likely to harbor resentment or feel overwhelmed by others’ demands.

The Science Behind DBT: Why It Works

So, why does DBT work? The effectiveness of DBT is rooted in the science of behavior change and neuroplasticity. DBT is based on the idea that by changing the way we think and behave, we can change the way we feel. This concept has been supported by decades of research in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which forms the backbone of DBT.

One of the most fascinating aspects of DBT is how it leverages neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections. When you consistently practice DBT skills, you’re essentially rewiring your brain to respond differently to stress and emotional triggers. For example, mindfulness practices can increase activity in the prefrontal cortex (involved in planning and impulse control) and decrease activity in the amygdala (involved in emotional reactions), leading to better emotion regulation over time.

Moreover, DBT’s focus on both acceptance and change reflects a balanced approach that’s more sustainable for long-term mental health. By accepting your current situation while also working towards change, you’re less likely to fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking, which can often lead to feelings of failure or hopelessness.

How DBT Can Change Your Life

DBT isn’t a quick fix—it’s a commitment to learning and practicing new skills that can fundamentally change the way you relate to your emotions, thoughts, and the world around you. Whether you’re struggling with intense emotions, difficult relationships, or just want to improve your overall mental health, DBT offers a structured, science-backed approach to help you build a life worth living.

What’s more, the skills you learn in DBT aren’t just for people with diagnosed mental health conditions. These tools can benefit anyone who wants to better manage their emotions, communicate more effectively, and live a more balanced life.

The Ongoing Journey of DBT

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is not just a set of skills, but a journey toward greater self-awareness, emotional stability, and healthier relationships. It’s about equipping yourself with the tools to navigate life’s challenges without being overwhelmed by them. While it requires commitment and practice, the payoff is a deeper understanding of yourself and the ability to live a more meaningful life.

For those of us who have struggled with emotions that feel like they’re in the driver’s seat, DBT offers a roadmap to regain control. It’s about learning to live in the present moment, tolerating distress without making things worse, understanding and managing your emotions, and communicating more effectively with the people around you. And the best part? The skills you develop in DBT can be applied to every area of your life, helping you to not only survive but thrive.

Whether you’re new to the concept of DBT or have been practicing it for a while, the journey is ongoing. There’s always more to learn, more to practice, and more ways to grow. But with the science-backed strategies of DBT, you’ll have the tools you need to keep moving forward, no matter what life throws your way.