Why Opening Up Feels Scary: The Science Behind "Vulnerability Hangovers”

A photo of Kristen Jacobsen delivering a TEDx talk on stage.

Have you ever had that feeling after you share something super personal—maybe in a meeting or at a social event—and then suddenly, you wish you could grab those words right back out of the air? That’s what Brené Brown calls a "vulnerability hangover." You go from feeling open and honest to questioning if you spilled way too much. It's like the emotional version of wondering why you thought tequila shots were a good idea last night.


So, why does this happen?  When you share something personal, especially in a high-stakes setting like public speaking, your brain's reward centers can light up. You’re doing something brave, and your brain likes that. But almost as quickly, another part of your brain, the one that’s all about assessing threats (hello, amygdala), starts wondering if you just put yourself in social or professional danger. It’s a classic fight-or-flight response minus the actual fleeing.

When you’re standing in front of an audience sharing your struggles or faults, you're being authentic and that’s powerful. It can transform your connection with others, making your words stick and even changing perspectives. But once the applause fades and you’re left with your thoughts, the brain does a quick check. Did sharing harm your social standing? Are people going to see you differently? Suddenly, you’re analyzing every face in the crowd and every comment made afterward.

This hangover isn’t just about feeling awkward. There’s actual science behind why it hits some of us harder than others. People who are naturally more sensitive to how others perceive them might experience stronger hangovers. This sensitivity is partly wired in our genetics and influenced by past experiences—think of it as your emotional immune system. If it’s been on high alert before, it’s going to react more intensely.

Managing these feelings doesn’t have to be a struggle. First off, recognize that feeling weird after being vulnerable is normal and even a sign that you did something courageous. It’s your emotional system’s way of catching up with your brave decision to open up. If you’re prone to overthinking the aftermath, try grounding yourself with some facts: What specifically are you worried about? How likely is it that your fears will actually happen? This can help shift your brain from panic mode to a more logical state.

Here’s another tip: build a habit of reflecting on the outcomes of being open. More often than not, you’ll find that the benefits—like deeper connections and personal growth—far outweigh the temporary discomfort. And if there are times when it didn’t go as well, that’s okay too. It’s all part of learning how to share your thoughts and experiences in ways that feel right to you.

Next time you're feeling that post-vulnerability regret, remember it's just part of the process. It shows you're pushing your boundaries. And in a world that often values a polished facade, choosing authenticity is nothing short of radical. Keep at it, because every time you choose real over perfect, you’re not just helping yourself—you're helping all of us.

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Stay Calm and Captivate: 6 Effective Strategies to Crush Public Speaking Anxiety