How to Stop Assuming the Worst: Understanding Anxiety’s Impact on Your Relationships
Have you ever caught yourself in a situation where, despite evidence to the contrary, you’re absolutely convinced things are going to go wrong? Maybe you didn’t get a quick reply to a text, so you assume the person’s mad at you, or a project at work hits a snag, and suddenly you’re sure your boss is planning to fire you. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. This tendency to assume the worst is often linked to anxiety, and while it might feel like you’re just being cautious or realistic, there’s a deeper reason your brain defaults to this.
Why Do We Assume the Worst?
From an evolutionary standpoint, assuming the worst has some merit. Our brains are wired to prioritize survival over happiness, and back in the day, that meant constantly scanning the environment for danger. If our ancestors saw something move in the bushes, it was safer to assume it was a predator rather than a gust of wind. Being overly cautious probably saved a lot of lives.
But fast forward to today, and while we no longer need to dodge sabertooth tigers, our brains are still on high alert for potential threats. Only now, those threats aren’t physical — they’re emotional. This is where anxiety steps in. Anxiety is essentially your brain’s way of telling you, “Hey, something might go wrong, so let’s prepare for it.” While that can be helpful in small doses, constantly expecting the worst can backfire, particularly when it comes to relationships and personal well-being.
The Protective Mechanism: Anxiety as Armor
Here’s the thing — when we assume the worst, it’s often a protective mechanism. It’s like we’re putting on emotional armor, trying to shield ourselves from getting hurt. If you’re already expecting the worst, any disappointment that comes along won’t feel as crushing because you’ve mentally prepared for it......or so we think.
But where does this mindset come from? Often, it stems from past experiences. If you’ve been burned by people before — maybe by friends who let you down or a partner who broke your trust — it’s natural to build walls. You learn, consciously or not, that being vulnerable leads to pain, and you make a subconscious vow to not let that happen again. So, assuming the worst becomes your way of staying “in control.” You think, “If I expect people to disappoint me, I won’t be caught off guard when they do.”
On the surface, this sounds like a decent strategy. But the problem is, it’s a short-term fix that leads to long-term issues. It also doesn't truly protect you from the disappointment you're attempting to avoid.
The Self-Sabotage Spiral
While you think assuming the worst can protect you from disappointment, it actually reinforces a negative narrative — the idea that you can’t trust anyone. And when you believe you can’t trust others, you’re less likely to let people in, which limits your ability to form deep, meaningful connections.
Here’s how it plays out: You meet someone new, but instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt, you assume they’ll eventually betray or disappoint you, just like others have. So you keep your guard up, either consciously or subconsciously. Maybe you’re less open, or you don’t fully engage. Over time, this creates distance in the relationship or difficulty forming one in the first place. The other person senses this and may start pulling away, and when they do, you tell yourself, “See, I knew it — I can’t trust anyone.”
This is self-sabotage in action. By expecting the worst, you actually contribute to the very outcome you’re trying to avoid.
The Science Behind It: Negativity Bias and Emotional Safety
What’s going on in the brain here? Neuroscientists would point to something called negativity bias. This is our brain’s tendency to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones. Studies show that negative experiences have a stronger impact on our memory and emotional state than positive experiences. In other words, our brains are wired to hold onto the bad stuff more tightly, which is why it’s so hard to break free from expecting the worst.
But while that negativity bias might have once helped our ancestors survive, it’s now driving us toward emotional isolation. This is where anxiety, particularly social anxiety, comes in. When you’ve been hurt before, your brain kicks into protection mode, scanning every new interaction for red flags and potential dangers. It feels safer to be on guard because your brain believes it’s keeping you safe from future harm.
Rewiring Your Thinking: The Power of Vulnerability
So how do we stop assuming the worst? A big part of it is rewiring your brain’s instinctive reactions and building new habits of thinking. One of the most effective ways to do this is through vulnerability.
Now, I know — the idea of vulnerability sounds terrifying, especially if you’ve been hurt before. But hear me out. Vulnerability is crucial for forming trust and intimacy in any relationship, whether it’s romantic, professional, or personal. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you’re taking a risk, yes, but you’re also creating the possibility for connection.
Brené Brown, a research professor and expert on vulnerability, has done extensive work showing that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. It takes courage to be open, but that’s also the only way to create real, lasting connections.
Moving Forward: Balancing Protection and Openness
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should throw all caution to the wind and trust everyone you meet. There’s a balance to be struck between protecting yourself and allowing yourself to be open to new experiences and relationships. It’s about recognizing when your brain is trying to protect you with outdated strategies and gently guiding it toward a more balanced approach. I don't mean diving into the vulnerability pool head first. Instead, you can do this by sharing a little bit at a time and seeing how the other person responds. If they make you feel validated and respected, it's probably safe to share more. If they are dismissive or invalidating, they're probably not someone you can be too vulnerable with.
Next time you catch yourself assuming the worst, pause for a moment. Ask yourself, “Is there real evidence to support this fear, or is this my anxiety talking?” Remind yourself that vulnerability, while scary, is the only way to break the cycle of self-sabotage. Over time, with practice, you’ll find it gets easier to let people in — and you might be surprised at how often they prove you wrong. Assuming the worst is a common response when anxiety’s in the driver’s seat, but it doesn’t have to dictate your relationships or your peace of mind. By understanding the protective mechanisms at play, recognizing the role of past hurts, and learning to lean into vulnerability, you can begin to reshape the way you view others and, ultimately, yourself.
