Can Perfectionism Ruin a Relationship?
We all want a great relationship, right? But sometimes, what we think of as "high standards" might actually be perfectionism in disguise—and it could be causing more harm than good. When we expect too much from our partners (or ourselves), we're setting everyone up for frustration and disappointment. And the worst part? We might not even realize it's happening.
Let's take a look at how perfectionism sneaks into relationships, why it causes so much trouble, and what you can do about it.
What Is Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism isn't just about wanting things to be nice and orderly. It's the constant need for things to be flawless. In relationships, this can mean expecting your partner to always say the right thing, never make mistakes, and meet every emotional need you have without fail.
While being a "perfectionist" is often used as a form of self-deprecation, it actually stems from early life experiences where approval was linked to achievements or good behavior. Over time, we start believing that anything less than perfect isn't good enough—not just for ourselves, but for the people we love too.
And that’s where things start to break down.
The Problem With Unrealistic Expectations
When you expect perfection from your partner, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No one can be everything, all the time. Life gets messy, people make mistakes, and sometimes, your partner will forget to pick up milk even after you reminded them three times. It happens.
But perfectionists don't always see it that way. Instead of shrugging off small mistakes, they might feel personally let down, thinking, If they really cared, they would’ve remembered. This mindset turns minor issues into bigger ones and slowly creates tension in the relationship.
Over time, constantly feeling like they can't measure up can make your partner pull away emotionally—or worse, stop trying altogether. After all, why bother when nothing seems to be good enough?
Signs Perfectionism Is Hurting Your Relationship
If you're wondering whether perfectionism is playing a role in your relationship struggles, here are a few red flags to watch for:
You’re never quite satisfied. Even when things are going well, you find yourself focusing on what could be better instead of enjoying what's good.
Your partner feels criticized. They might say things like, “Nothing I do is ever enough,” or seem hesitant to share things with you for fear of judgment.
You overanalyze everything. From the way they text to how they load the dishwasher, you feel the need to point out every little thing they could do "better."
You fear mistakes. Whether it’s in yourself or your partner, mistakes feel like deal-breakers rather than part of being human.
You avoid vulnerability. If you're afraid to show your own imperfections, you might expect your partner to always be strong and composed too.
If any of this sounds familiar, don’t worry—you’re not alone. Perfectionism in relationships is more common than you might think, and the good news is, it’s possible to change.
The Science Behind Perfectionism and Relationships
Perfectionism often leads to a cycle of dissatisfaction and resentment, and perfectionists tend to have lower relationship satisfaction because their constant pursuit of flawlessness creates unrealistic expectations and ongoing stress.
Perfectionism can also trigger something called all-or-nothing thinking (a common "cognitive distortion" also referred to as polarized thinking or black-and-white thinking). This is when you view things in extremes—either the relationship is perfect, or it's a failure. In reality, healthy relationships exist somewhere in between, with good days, bad days, and plenty of in-between moments.
How to Let Go of Perfectionism and Build a Healthier Relationship
So, what can you do if you suspect perfectionism is getting in the way of your relationship happiness? Here are a few strategies:
1. Adjust Your Expectations
Remind yourself that your partner is human, just like you. Nobody is perfect, and that’s okay. Instead of focusing on their shortcomings, pay attention to the qualities that make them special.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
Perfectionism often starts with how we treat ourselves. If you're constantly pushing yourself to meet impossible standards or coming down hard on yourself, you're likely doing the same to your partner. Work on being kinder to yourself first—it'll naturally spill over into your relationship.
3. Focus on Effort, Not Perfection
Instead of expecting your partner to always get it right, appreciate the effort they put in. Small gestures, like trying to be more communicative or remembering your coffee order, are worth recognizing. Reinforce that stuff so it continues!
4. Learn to Let Things Go
Ask yourself: Does this really matter in the long run? If not, it might be time to let it slide. Not every disagreement needs to turn into a deep discussion about personal flaws.
5. Communicate Honestly
Be upfront with your partner about your struggles with perfectionism. Let them know that you're working on it and ask for their support. Relationships thrive on honesty, not on pretending everything’s fine. They may be able to gently call out when your perfectionism is showing up.
6. Get Professional Support If Needed
If perfectionism has been a lifelong struggle, therapy can be invaluable. A trained therapist can help you identify where these patterns started and teach you ways to change them.
Final Thoughts
Perfectionism might seem like a good thing at first—it makes you strive for better and succeed, right? That's why it can be so hard to change.....it's gotten you this far. But when it comes to relationships, it can do more harm than good. Expecting too much can leave you feeling disappointed, and your partner feeling like they can’t measure up.
The truth is, relationships aren’t perfect because people aren’t perfect. But when you embrace the imperfections, you'll likely find that your connection grows stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling than you ever imagined.
So, take a breath. Let some things slide. And remember, love isn’t about finding the perfect person—it’s about loving someone, flaws and all.
