What NOT to Say to Someone with Anxiety - Video Transcript

Hey there, I'm Kristen, the anxiety therapist and today I'm going to be talking about five things you should not say to someone with anxiety. So this video is geared more toward partners or friends or family members of people of a loved one who is struggling with anxiety and I think a lot of times people think they're being helpful, but they're actually saying things that can exacerbate the person's anxiety and really be unhelpful or invalidating.

So the first thing you should not say to someone with anxiety is calm down when in the history of mankind, has anyone calmed down upon being instructed to do? So? This just doesn't happen right? When you experience anxiety, you are literally experiencing um physiological arousal of your nervous system because you are in fight flight or freeze mode, you you feel like you are being threatened even though it's a perceived threat, not an actual threat.

So think if you were being chased a lion an actual threat and someone told you, oh, just calm down. No way. So this is unhelpful, don't say it. For some reason, we are just kind of naturally inclined to say this when someone is feeling anxious or panicked and it's just so unhelpful.

So um the second thing is to stop worrying or just to snap out of it as though this person can just kind of flip a switch and turn off the worry. If that were the case, they would have already done. So the problem with anxiety is that they can't turn off the worry, right? The worry is so amplified and so internalized that um they are incapable of doing this without kind of going through a process, right? Ultimately, the worry will subside, but it's not like we can just flip a switch and it's gone.

Um the third thing is that it's all in your head. So some of this is true because a lot of what anxiety is um can be attributed to our irrational thought processes, right? Which is in our head, but ultimately, what that person is experiencing is typically a full body response.

So, they are having um these symptoms, these these bob symptoms that we would experience if we were actually feeling threatened. So they might feel kind of queasy or nauseous, they might have a racing heart, they might get really red and flushed. So it's really not all in their head because they are actually, their whole body is experiencing this, this stress response right to the perceived threat. The third thing is to say, oh, it's not really that big of a deal or you're overreacting very unhelpful because it's really invalidating their experience, they know on some level that what they are feeling is disproportionate to the situation.

So, you don't need to call them out on that and and kind of shame them for that, right? The whole idea behind anxiety is that yes, it is a disproportionate or an overreaction to a certain situation or stimulus and so what we want to do is to kind of figure out where that comes from and that is what you do, working with a therapist, not from somebody just telling you that you're overreacting or that it's not that big of a deal.

Um finally, you, sometimes people will say, you know, they'll they'll make comparisons like other people have it so much worse than you. Um things of that nature. And I mean, comparisons are, are never useful, right? They always end up being unproductive or negative in some way.

So while this idea that other people have it worse can help to put things in perspective, maybe after the fact maybe after the anxiety has sort of sub I did a little bit, this is not going to be helpful in the moment because it's going to completely invalidate what that person with the anxiety is experiencing.

And again, it's going to kind of cause that them to shut down and not want to share with you because you're not making them feel safe, you're making them feel judged and shamed and guilty for having this reaction that they really can't control at the moment. So, um, shifting gears a little bit, I don't want to just leave you with the negative.

Some things that you can offer up that that can be helpful is to ask what you can do to help them, right in that moment, right don't make assumptions or guess what that person needs because what you might need in a moment of feeling anxious or upset about something is going to differ um between what someone else might need in that moment.

So ask just ask them what they need. You know, do they need a hug? Do they need you to just sit next to them in silence and let them know that someone is there supporting them? Do they need um you know to to go take a walk and have a change of scenery, ask them what they need and and hopefully they will be able to tell you and if they can't then that's okay too.

Sometimes in a panicked moment we can't identify what it is that we need. So then you know just try to help them through that moment as best you can and after the fact have a conversation about it like what what could I have done in that moment that would have been helpful for you. Um also just let them know you're there for them and that they're not alone. You know a lot of people feel really embarrassed or um kind of shameful admitting that they have anxiety so they'll they'll keep it all internalized and it can feel really isolating and um so just letting them know that hey you're not alone, you're not going through this alone, I'm there to support you.

That can be really reassuring. And then you can also ask them if there's something that you could help them do to take their mind off of things. So again I mentioned like going for a walk or anything that involves sort of getting them out of that that current situation, that current environment, having a change of scenery, having a change of sensory experiences that can really kind of help serve as a distraction.

Um and then that can lessen the anxiety and um they better be able to kind of talk through things after the fact. So, um I know this was a lot to digest. Please leave a comment or a question if you have one. Um I put out new content weekly, so follow me on instagram or facebook at cathartic space counseling and if you want to see how I might be able help you or a loved one with your anxiety, you can check out my website www dot cathartic space counseling dot com.

I'm licensed to see clients in Illinois, Michigan and Florida. So I hope you all have a great weekend. I'll see you next time.