Why do I have trouble asking for help? - Video Transcript

Hey guys, I'm Kristen the anxiety therapist and today I'm going to be talking about difficulty asking for help actually just came off of a session with a client who is really struggling with this. And I see this show up with a lot of my clients. So I thought this would be a good topic for today's video.

Um, so what are some common reasons people struggle to ask for help? I think one big one is, um, what I talked about in a previous video and that should statements. So these are things that we tell ourselves, um, basically expectations that we should be able to do it. All right.

That, um, a lot of times this comes from comparisons to other people that we are friends with or that maybe we see on social media and it appears as though they're doing it all right. But in reality, we don't know what kind of help they have behind the scenes. So, um, it's important to just kind of reframe this and recognize that we all have limitations.

No one is Superman and um, sometimes we just, we can't do it all and, and it's okay to ask for help. Another big one is, um, if people have difficulty relinquishing control, then they sort of have this idea that you know, the only way it's gonna get done the right way is if I do it myself and um, sure that might be the case if you want something done a very specific way, but there is rarely a right way to do something.

And so part of it is just um, in handing it over or delegating a task to someone else, just trusting that they'll be able to do it. And even if it's not the way you necessarily want it done, that doesn't mean it's the wrong way and at least it's on your plate, right, then you have time to do something else that's probably more enjoyable, and rewarding.

What have you? Another reason people have difficulty asking for help is fear of rejection. Um or basically someone saying no to the request in addition to feeling like you're burdening someone. So this often comes from um people-pleasing mentality, right? We don't want to feel we don't want anyone else to feel like we are a burden to them.

We would rather, you know, set our needs aside and put other people's needs before our own. And then also if we're afraid that somebody might say no, then that can feel like a rejection. Um even though it's really just somebody else stating a boundary for themselves, which is a very healthy thing to do.

Um some people have difficulty knowing when it might be the quote of quote acceptable or appropriate to ask for help. Um I have a client who really struggles with this kind of not trusting her own judgment. Um in terms of when it would be an appropriate time to ask somebody to help her out. Um and lastly fear of judgment or appearing weak or pride can get in the way of asking for help.

Right? Asking for help does not mean that we're weak. It's actually a sign of strength if we're able to ask for help. And this is especially true when it comes to therapy. Right? So many people are afraid to seek out help through therapy because they're afraid of appearing weak when in reality it's quite the opposite.

It it's actually a very um big sign of strength to recognize when you have limitations when you can't do everything on your own, and that you might need some help from an outside source. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. There are also some messages we receive, um, either from society or in our upbringing that kind of contribute to this idea that we can't ask for help.

Uh, one is that we live in a very individualistic society. So we are taught to be independent, right? Independence is very highly valued as opposed to in collectivist societies, where the idea is that the group works together. Um, and, you know, the needs of the group are sort of more important than individual needs.

It's very different here in us where um we, you know, independence is sort of valued and promoted. And we also might have um, certain messages we received growing up or things that were modeled for us from family members or other people that we came into contact with about sort of what, what a particular person should be able to do.

Um what comes to mind most with this is being a mom. So a lot of times moms feel like they're pulled in a million different directions and um that you know, they are sort of they had these values instilled in them growing up about what a mom is, what a mom should be able to do.

Um and so they sort of hold themselves to these standards when in reality times have changed a lot um in the past several years and what might have been appropriate or um expected of our own parents or grandparents or whatnot. Um that that might be different nowadays and it's okay to make those adjustments. So if you find that you have difficulty asking for help, which so many people do um feel free to reach out to, you know, drop a comment, ask me a question.

Um and I'm always happy to help, so have a great weekend and I'll see you guys next week.