How to Survive the Holidays: Part 1 - Video Transcript

Hi, everyone. I'm Kristen, the anxiety therapist. This video is going to be a little bit outside the box because I want to talk about how to handle the holidays with family. We have thanksgiving upon us and a lot of us are going to be spending time with family over the next several days, so just wanted to talk about some, some techniques or coping mechanisms for making it through the holidays.

If you do find your family particularly triggering, a lot of us will have, the one family member we're not necessarily looking forward to seeing, or maybe it's just the way the entire family interacts together and what that dynamic is like, and that can be triggering for us as well. We might have a strained relationship with one of our parents or siblings, there are a number of different ways that family dynamics can be triggering and when we all get together we often play out scripts and roles and narratives that have been ingrained since childhood and we sort of go back to interacting in a similar way, which can be stressful.

One thing I hear from a lot of my clients is that they get really triggered when they're asked certain questions, for example, some of my clients are in their late thirties or there forties and they're not married yet, and this is something that they're feeling kind of insecure about or sad about and it's something that we're working on in therapy.

If somebody asks them, oh, are you dating anyone or why aren't you married yet, that can be a very triggering question for these people. Another one is the whole having children issue. So maybe somebody's been struggling with infertility and hasn't really made that public knowledge or maybe they don't want kids or maybe they are, you know, the timing is not right, they're focusing on their career and it's just not not time to start planning for a family.

And so these folks will often get triggered by questions relating to children and when that's going, when or if that's going to happen. And then also with parenting, I think a lot of times people who do have children, there are a lot of differences in generations in terms of parenting techniques and so when we're with parents and grandparents and extended family, there can be comments made about how one is parenting their child and that can be a little bit uncomfortable as well.

So I think the two main pieces of advice I would give is one to set boundaries. If someone asks a question that makes you uncomfortable, it's okay to say, hey, I'm comfortable with my situation right now. This is not really something that I'd like to talk about, I'll let you know if there's any news or anything changes and just kind of shut down the conversation right there so that they don't continue asking these probing questions.

The second piece of advice would be to not personalize things. A lot of times when people are asking these questions, it's a very, it's a benign question, it comes more from a place of curiosity. They're not trying to upset you in any way, they just want some insight into your life. I think a lot of times if we're already feeling a little bit insecure about something, someone's question or comment will land differently when we hear it and we might get defensive or might feel like they're talking down to us being condescending, you know, don't approve of our decisions, whatever the case may be.

And so just to remind yourself that more often than not, someone's intentions are actually good and they just want their trying to connect with you and be a part of your life. So trying not to personalize that and that if someone does actually have an issue with, let's say the way you parent, it's only because they have their own sort of framework for how they perceive themselves, other people in the world and that's different than yours.

Just because you have different approaches doesn't mean that one is bad and one is good or one is right and one is wrong, it just means they're different and so they might not have a full understanding of where you're coming from in your approaches. Now, all of that said, I will say several people come from just very toxic or abusive or unhealthy family dynamics and if this pertains to you, it's really important that you set some more firm boundaries if you are spending time with your family.

So if you are spending hours at this family event and you find yourself continually feeling anxious or triggered, it's okay to to recognize those needs and remove yourself from the situation. So if you need to leave a little bit early, give yourself permission to do that, or if you need to take breaks throughout the course of the day or the evening, give yourself permission to do that.

You know, check in with yourself and maybe you need to step outside for five or 10 minutes and just get some air and be away from everybody. Maybe you just go into the bathroom and splash some cold water on your face or take a few deep breaths just to kind of calm your nervous system, but it's okay to remove yourself from triggering or anxiety provoking situations um and allow your nervous system to sort of um get back to equilibrium.

So, just be sure you're checking in with yourself and asking yourself what you need during this time and demonstrating some some compassion toward yourself, if you are feeling triggered or anxious or frustrated or whatever the case may be because family dynamics are really challenging and um you know, they can be triggering for people, especially when we spend an extended period of time with our families.

So I hope some of this advice was helpful. I hope you have a nice holiday regardless of all of this. And be sure to follow me on social media, @catharticspacecounseling. Check out my website, www.cathartic spacecounseling.com, or subscribe to my youtube channel, The Anxiety Therapist. I hope you all have a nice holiday and I will see you next week. Take care.