What's Your Attachment Style? PART 2 -Video Transcript
Hi, everyone! I'm Kristen, the Anxiety Therapist. Today is part two in the three part video series I'm doing on attachment. Today, I'm going to focus on attachment in relationships and how the four styles can show up in a romantic relationship. We're really just scratching the surface here. I'm going to give you an overview, but attachment theory is so complex and really interesting. I would encourage you to explore more if any of this resonates with you.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
First is the anxious, preoccupied attachment style and this can be very challenging to manage in the context of a relationship. This can be very challenging to manage in the context of a relationship. These folks are sensitive and attuned to their partner's needs. However, they require constant reassurance and affection in order to feel safe as part of a romantic couple. If this person is not validated, they may feel worried and stressed about the security of the relationship. They often internalized what they perceive to be a lack of affection and intimacy as them being not "worthy of love".
They have this really intense fear of rejection as a result in an attempt to avoid feeling abandoned. Someone with this attachment style might be really clingy or hyper-vigilant or express a lot of jealousy in a relationship and they can be overwhelmed by the idea of being alone. They do whatever is within their power to hold on to the relationship. They see their partner as the remedy to their emotional needs.
2. Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style
The next style is avoidant dismissive and these folks are typically independent, pretty self directed and tend to be a bit uncomfortable with emotional closeness and intimacy. They come off as being really confident in control of their lives and self assured. They're typically pretty successful and put a lot of energy into their careers rather than their relationships.
Someone with this style might have a lot of friends and acquaintances and might be really fun to be around, but their connections tend to be more surface level and they never really seek out emotional support from other people. They tend to have these boundaries to avoid intimacy and emotional closeness with others, which prevents them from experiencing deep and meaningful and fulfilling relationships. If a relationship with someone with this attachment style starts to evolve into something deeper, an avoidant partner would typically close themselves off and start to pull back and might even look for insignificant reasons to end a relationship.
3. Disorganized or Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
The third style is disorganized or fearful, avoidant. These folks view their partners as being unpredictable because what they experienced in childhood taught them that others can't be relied upon. They constantly tend to be on edge because they believe that being rejected or hurt or disappointed is inevitable in a relationship. As a result of this, they tend to repeat the same unhealthy patterns in their adult romantic partnerships. They want to be loved and they want to be long. But on the other hand, they're afraid to let anyone in and they have a really intense fear that the people closest to them will hurt them. They fear intimacy and they avoid that closeness, which seems pretty similar to those with an avoidant attachment style, but the main difference here is that they actually want a relationship. It's more fear based this sort of avoidance of intimacy.
They're really just expecting and waiting for that rejection and disappointment and hurt to come. So, they don't reject emotional intimacy, they're just really afraid of it. People with this style continue to view the attachment figure which again originates in childhood and starts with a caregiver. That sort of gets transferred onto their partner and they view them as being predictable. They have trouble believing their partner will support and love them as they are. This mindset can turn into a form of self sabotage, causing somebody to end a relationship prematurely, or it might become a sort of self fulfilling prophecy where this person expects and predicts that they're going to be rejected, even if there aren't any indicators or evidence of that. This person might subconsciously start behaving in a way that will lead the other person to end the relationship and therefore fulfill that expectation.
4. Secure Attachment Style
Finally, we have the secure attachment and these folks have the healthiest relationships. If someone has one of the first three attachment styles, then being in a relationship with someone with a secure attachment style can be really healing for them. Folks with a secure attachment style are able to regulate their emotions and feelings in a relationship. They have strong goal oriented behavior when they're on their own. They have they're able to easily bond, open up to and trust others. They know what their life is about and what purpose they want to fulfill.
They're able to communicate their needs effectively. They're comfortable with that closeness and sort of mutual dependency and reciprocity. They actively seek out emotional support and give emotional support to their partner. They are comfortable being alone and use that time to explore. If they're not with their partner, they don't feel that fear of abandonment or jealousy, and then they have the capacity to reflect on how they are in the relationship and what their role and contribution is.
I hope this gives you a little bit of insight into maybe what your attachment style is in your own relationship. A lot of my clients have one of the first three styles. That's something that we work on together so that they can experience and form more meaningful and healthier relationships in their lives, so feel free to leave a comment or ask a question.
Follow me on social media @catharticspacecounseling, and you can subscribe to my YouTube channel, The Anxiety Therapist. I hope you'll have a great week and I'll see you next time.
