Why Your Unhealthy Habits Aren’t About Willpower (and the Surprising Role Your Childhood Plays)
We all have that one habit or behavior we turn to when life feels overwhelming—or even just slightly uncomfortable. For some, it’s reaching for another glass of wine after a long day. For others, it’s zoning out on social media, eating that entire bag of chips, or working well past midnight (because finishing just one more thing will help you feel more accomplished). These habits—what we might call “vices”—aren’t random. They’re strategies, albeit imperfect ones, that we’ve developed to cope with difficult emotions.
And here’s where things get interesting: these vices are often connected to what pop psychology calls our “inner child” (a term first coined by renowned psychologist Carl Jung....one of my favorites!). Now, I’ll admit, I’m not a huge fan of the term “inner child.” It can sound a bit too touchy-feely, but the concept behind it is rooted in something real. It refers to the emotional imprints left over from our formative years—the beliefs we developed about ourselves, the ways we learned to manage feelings, and the coping mechanisms we carried into adulthood.
Let’s explore what that looks like, how it works, and why breaking these annoying habits isn’t just a matter of willpower.
Why Vices Are About Avoidance, Not Weakness
First, let’s get one thing straight: if you’ve tried (and failed) to stop a behavior like overeating, overdrinking, or doom scrolling, it’s not necessarily because you lack discipline. These habits aren’t just about cravings or impulses—they’re often about emotional regulation.
Think about it. When you feel stressed, lonely, rejected, or not good enough, your brain and body go on high alert. These feelings are distressing, so you look for relief. Your vice offers a quick escape:
Alcohol numbs anxiety and silences self-critical thoughts.
Food soothes emotional discomfort, activating the brain’s reward system.
Social media offers distraction and the illusion of connection.
Workaholism provides a sense of control and worthiness.
At the root of these habits is often a core belief developed in childhood. These beliefs might sound like:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I don’t deserve love unless I perform well.”
“I can’t trust anyone to take care of me, so I have to handle everything myself.”
These aren’t conscious thoughts—they operate in the background (aka our subconscious), shaping how we respond to stress.
What Childhood Has to Do with It
Here’s where the “inner child” concept comes into play. During childhood, we all develop emotional patterns based on how we were treated and what we experienced. This isn't about blaming others, but rather exploring our own interpretations of those relationships and experiences.
If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed or ignored, you might have learned to stuff them down. As an adult, overeating or overdrinking might become a way to numb emotions you’re not used to expressing.
If you were praised only when you achieved something, work or accomplishments might feel like the only way to feel worthy. When life feels uncertain, you might double down on productivity to avoid feeling “not enough.”
If your childhood was chaotic or unpredictable, you might turn to vices like social media or binge-watching TV for the soothing feeling of distraction from the present moment.
These coping mechanisms start early because kids don’t have the skills to manage overwhelming emotions on their own. Instead, they rely on behaviors that bring relief—whether it’s throwing a tantrum, withdrawing, or seeking external validation. Over time, these behaviors evolve into the adult habits referenced above.
The Science of Why Vices Stick
Your brain is wired to keep you safe and comfortable. When you engage in a behavior that helps you avoid pain—physical or emotional—your brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with reward and pleasure.
Dopamine doesn’t just make you feel good; it also reinforces the behavior, creating a loop:
Trigger: You feel stressed or unworthy.
Behavior: You scroll Instagram or pour a drink.
Reward: Dopamine floods your system, offering temporary relief.
Over time, this loop becomes hardwired. You’re not just fighting a habit—you’re fighting your brain’s reward system. This is why willpower alone isn’t enough. It’s like trying to turn off a smoke alarm without addressing the fire.
Example #1: Sarah and Overeating
(*names and details have been changed to preserve confidentiality)
Sarah, a 35-year-old accountant, struggled with overeating, especially at night. She felt stuck in a cycle of guilt and shame, convinced she just needed more self-control.
Through our work together, Sarah realized that her overeating wasn’t about the food—it was about comfort and the ability to let go. Growing up, Sarah’s parents were critical and dismissive. As a child, she often felt unlovable and turned to snacks for solace.
Even as an adult, those feelings of inadequacy lingered. After a tough day at work, when her boss criticized her presentation, Sarah reached for double-stuffed Oreos or mint chocolate chip ice cream. In that moment, her brain associated food with safety—a habit rooted in her childhood experience of finding comfort in eating.
By recognizing the connection to her “inner child,” Sarah started working on self-compassion. She practiced naming her emotions instead of avoiding them and slowly replaced her habit of eating with other soothing activities, like journaling or FaceTiming with a friend.
Example #2: Jake and Overworking
Jake, a 42-year-old project manager, often found himself working 60-hour weeks. He told himself he was just ambitious, but deep down, Jake felt like he had to prove his worth constantly.
Growing up, Jake’s father was critical and emotionally distant. The only time Jake got praise was when he excelled in school or sports. This taught him that success equaled love and validation.
As an adult, Jake’s overworking wasn’t about a love of his job—it was about avoiding feelings of inadequacy. If he slowed down, those old fears of “not being good enough” bubbled up to the surface.
Jake started challenging this belief by taking small steps to set boundaries at work and identifying his own needs. He also reminded himself that his worth wasn’t tied to his output, which helped him start breaking the overworking habit.
How to Start Untangling Your Vices
So, if willpower isn’t the answer, what is? It starts with curiosity and compassion. Instead of beating yourself up for a habit, ask yourself:
What am I trying to avoid feeling right now?
What belief about myself might be driving this behavior?
It’s not about blaming your childhood. It’s about understanding how those early patterns shaped your responses to stress (i.e. your nervous system) — and recognizing that you can create new patterns now.
Here are some steps to get started:
Name the Feeling: Pause and identify what you’re feeling in the moment. Naming your emotions can reduce their intensity. (Use the feelings wheel in my free resource: "How to stop overthinking" (linked below) to get started if you need some help identifying your emotions).
Trace It Back: Consider when you first started to cope in this way. What experiences or beliefs might be fueling the habit?
Find Alternatives: Experiment with healthier ways to soothe yourself, like taking a hot bath, journaling, or connecting with a friend.
Get Support: Therapy can be a game-changer for uncovering and addressing those deeper beliefs.
Change Isn’t Instant, and That’s Okay
The habits you’ve developed took years—sometimes decades—to form. Undoing them isn’t about flipping a switch; it’s about slowly rewiring your brain and learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions (this is called distress tolerance).
The good news is, your brain is incredibly adaptable. Through awareness, practice, and support, you can create new habits that serve you better.
So the next time you find yourself reaching for your vice of choice, remember: it’s not a moral failing. It’s a survival strategy you learned long ago. And just like you learned it, you can unlearn it.
