How to Calm Your Mind: A Deep Dive into DBT’s Most Powerful Tools
Navigating intense emotions and distress can feel overwhelming at times. Trust me, I’ve been there. But what if I told you there’s a way to not only survive those tough moments but actually come out the other side feeling more grounded and in control? That’s where Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, comes in. This is the final blog in my series about DBT, and this week I'm diving into four key DBT skills that can make a huge difference: mindfulness, positive self-talk, self-soothing, and radical acceptance.
1. Mindfulness: Mastering the Art of Being Present
Mindfulness is like the foundation of DBT—it’s where everything starts. It’s all about being present in the moment without letting your mind get hijacked by thoughts about the past or worries about the future. When you practice mindfulness, you can approach situations with what DBT calls a “wise mind,” a balance between logic and emotion.
Wise Mind: Think of wise mind as the middle ground where your rational mind (facts, logic) and your emotional mind (feelings, impulses) meet. When you’re in your wise mind, you’re making decisions that take into account both your thoughts and your emotions, leading to more balanced choices.
What Skills: These are the basic actions you take to practice mindfulness:
Observe: Notice your surroundings, thoughts, and feelings without getting caught up in them.
Describe: Put words to what you’re experiencing without judgment. For example, “I’m feeling anxious” instead of “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”
Participate: Fully engage in what you’re doing, whether it’s talking to a friend or washing the dishes.
How Skills: These tell you how to apply the “what” skills:
Non-judgmentally: See things as they are without labeling them as “good” or “bad.”
One-Mindfully: Focus on one thing at a time. Multitasking often pulls us away from being fully present.
Effectively: Do what works best in the situation, rather than sticking to what you think should work. Focus on the outcome you want.
Two Types of Mindfulness:
Opening the Mind: This involves observing or watching whatever comes into awareness without holding onto or pursuing whatever happens to enter. It is the simple act of noticing thoughts, emotions, and sensations.
Focusing the Mind: This involves focusing your attention on specific internal or external events. For example: you can focus on deep breathing. This can help reduce the noise in your head and bring a sense of calm, and is what guided meditations assist with.
2. Positive Self-Talk: Rewiring Your Brain’s Narrative
Now, let’s talk about how our brains are wired, particularly when it comes to the stories we tell ourselves. If you’ve ever caught yourself in a loop of negative thoughts, you’re not alone. Our brains have a natural tendency to lean toward negativity, something that’s been dubbed the “backwards brain.” This tendency is partly due to survival instincts—our ancestors needed to focus on potential threats to stay safe.
ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts): These are the negative thoughts that pop into your head automatically, often without you even realizing it. Many of these ANTs develop by the time we’re around seven years old. The problem is, they’re not always accurate or helpful. For example, thoughts like “I’m a failure” or “Nobody likes me” are common ANTs that can spiral into more distress.
How to Counter ANTs with Positive Self-Talk: The idea isn’t to simply replace negative thoughts with overly optimistic ones, but rather to challenge and reframe them. Here’s a process you can try:
Catch the Thought: Notice when an ANT pops up.
Examine the Evidence: Ask yourself, “What’s the proof for and against this thought?”
Reframe the Thought: Replace the ANT with a more balanced statement, like “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me a failure.”
3. Self-Soothing: Calming Your Senses
When you’re in distress, your nervous system can go into overdrive, making it hard to think clearly. That’s where self-soothing comes in. The idea is to engage each of your five senses to bring a sense of calm and comfort to your body and mind.
Touch: Think about things that feel comforting to the touch - feeling the warmth of the sun on your face, taking a hot shower, rubbing lotion on your hands.
Sight: Surround yourself with things that are visually calming. This could be a nature scene (real or in a photo), a piece of art you love, or simply dimming the lights.
Sound: Soothing sounds can do wonders. Whether it’s calming music, waves in the ocean, or even a guided meditation, choose what resonates with you.
Smell: Scents have a powerful effect on our mood. Experiment with essential oils, scented candles, or the smell of a campfire (one of my personal favorites).
Taste: A comforting taste can bring immediate relief. Whether it’s a warm cup of tea or a piece of dark chocolate, savor the experience.
4. Radical Acceptance: Stop Fighting Reality
Finally, let’s talk about radical acceptance, which might be one of the hardest DBT skills to practice. Radical acceptance is about acknowledging reality as it is, without trying to change it or wishing it were different. It’s not about approval or liking whatever the situation is—it’s about freeing yourself from the suffering that comes from fighting against what’s already happening. The "radical" part means all the way - completely.
Why It Works: The science behind radical acceptance lies in the way our brains process pain and suffering. Pain is a natural part of life, but suffering often comes from our resistance to that pain. By accepting reality, we can reduce the extra layer of suffering that our minds create. Reality is what it is.....rejecting it doesn't change it.
How to Practice Radical Acceptance:
Acknowledge the Situation: Admit to yourself what’s happening, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Let Go of Control: Accept that you can’t change the situation, only how you respond to it.
Commit to Acceptance: Remind yourself that this doesn’t mean you approve of what’s happening; it just means you’re choosing not to fight reality.
Final Thoughts
DBT offers practical tools that anyone can use to navigate distress and manage emotions more effectively. Whether it’s practicing mindfulness, challenging negative thoughts, engaging in self-soothing, or embracing radical acceptance, these skills can help you build emotional resilience. They won’t make all your problems disappear, but they can give you a solid toolkit to handle whatever stressors come your way. Give these skills a try, and see which ones you want to add to your own coping toolkit.
