Stuck in a Toxic Cycle? This Psychological Pattern Might Be Why
Have you ever felt stuck in a situation where the rewards are inconsistent, yet you can’t seem to walk away? Maybe it’s a boss who occasionally praises your hard work, but most of the time leaves you feeling invisible or undervalued. Or perhaps it’s the enjoyment of checking your phone to see if your latest social media post got any likes or comments. If so, you’ve experienced the powerful grip of intermittent reinforcement (also known as variable reinforcement) - a psychological phenomenon that keeps both humans and animals hooked far more effectively than consistent rewards ever could.
In this post, I'm going to dig into what intermittent reinforcement is, why it’s so effective at driving behavior, and how it shows up in your life in various ways. I’ll also share a recent example from a client who described this exact experience at work - and why recognizing it is an important first step toward making changes.
What Is Intermittent Reinforcement? (And Why Does It Work So Well?)
Intermittent reinforcement happens when rewards are given sporadically and unpredictably instead of on a consistent schedule. Think of it like a slot machine—every now and then, you win big. But most of the time, you lose. Yet, that occasional win keeps you pulling the lever. I recently took a trip to Vegas with my mom, and I was acutely aware of this trap.
This principle was first studied by psychologist B.F. Skinner, who found that animals in experiments were far more motivated to perform a behavior when rewards were given intermittently rather than consistently. Why? Because the unpredictability creates anticipation and excitement, which keeps us coming back for more.
From an evolutionary perspective, our brains are wired to seek out rewards, but dopamine (the “feel-good” brain chemical) isn’t just released when we get the reward—it’s released in anticipation of it. That’s why the possibility of a reward can sometimes feel even more thrilling than the reward itself.
Intermittent Reinforcement in Toxic Relationships
Unfortunately, intermittent reinforcement doesn’t just happen in experiments or casinos—it also shows up in human relationships. In abusive or toxic relationships, the abuser might provide occasional moments of affection, praise, or love bombing between periods of criticism, manipulation, or gaslighting.
Those rare moments of kindness create hope and keep the other person invested in the relationship. “Maybe things will change. Maybe this time will be different.” But because the rewards are so unpredictable, it becomes incredibly difficult to walk away - even when the harm far outweighs the good. You're constantly anticipating the next "good" moment, so you're feeling that rush of dopamine again.
The Workplace Example: My Client’s Experience
Recently, a client told me about his job and how it feels like an emotional rollercoaster. Most days, he feels underappreciated and overlooked, despite putting in long hours and delivering results. But every now and then, his colleagues or superiors will recognize and praise his hard work and contributions.
Those small, occasional moments of validation keep him hooked. He is in the midst of pursuing a potential new job opportunity, but he's having a hard time leaving because “What if things get better? What if next week, they finally notice all my effort?” The intermittent reinforcement at his current job is familiar and encouraging, which trumps the unknown and uncertainty of this new role. In turn, this leads to self-doubt and self-sabotage.
This is classic intermittent reinforcement at play. It’s the hope of occasional reward that keeps people stuck in jobs, relationships, etc. that are otherwise draining and unfulfilling.
How Social Media Hooks You with Intermittent Reinforcement
Let’s talk about social media. Have you ever posted a photo or shared a thought, then obsessively checked your phone for likes and comments? When you occasionally get a burst of attention, it feels great. But often, you’re met with silence.
Social media platforms are built on intermittent reinforcement. The algorithm isn’t designed to show your content consistently to all your followers—it’s designed to make you keep checking, scrolling, and coming back for more.
Every notification, every like, every comment is a tiny hit of dopamine. And because they’re unpredictable, they’re even more addictive.
How to Recognize and Free Yourself from Intermittent Reinforcement
Notice the Pattern: Ask yourself—are the rewards you’re receiving consistent, or do they feel random and unpredictable?
Evaluate the Cost: Are you giving more energy, time, or emotional investment than you’re receiving in return?
Set Boundaries: In relationships, workplaces, or online spaces, it’s crucial to set limits on what you’ll tolerate.
Don’t Chase “What Ifs”: Pay attention to what’s happening right now rather than what might happen in the future.
Talk to Someone: A therapist can help you recognize these patterns and build healthier habits.
Final Thoughts
Intermittent reinforcement isn’t inherently bad - it’s also what makes surprises, spontaneous moments, and unexpected rewards so delightful. But when it’s keeping you stuck in cycles of anxiety, self-doubt, or unhealthy relationships, it’s time to take a closer look.
The first step is recognizing the pattern. From there, you can start making choices that prioritize your emotional well-being.
