What are should statements and how do they contribute to anxiety? - Video transcript

Hey guys, I'm Kristen, the anxiety therapist. Today, I'm going to be talking about another cognitive distortion or thinking error that can lead to anxiety. If you saw my video a few weeks ago, I discussed the difference between expectations and goals, and this thinking error goes hand in hand with that.

It's called "should statements," and these are things that we tell ourselves we should do or need to do. For example, "I should go to the grocery store this weekend," or "I should be working on this work presentation instead of watching Netflix." This creates pressure and a feeling of being externally controlled.

If you have anxiety, the last thing you want to feel is being externally controlled. You want to feel like you are in control and have free will. A good way to reframe these statements is to switch the language and say "I want to" or "I would like to" do something. For instance, "I would like to go grocery shopping this weekend. If it doesn't happen, it's probably not the end of the world."

This shift in perception eliminates the sense of guilt or disappointment that comes along with those "should statements" if we don't follow through. If I tell myself I should be working on this work presentation instead of watching Netflix and then I finish my show, it creates a lot of guilt, disappointment, shame, and negative self-talk that often comes along with anxiety. But if I say, "I would really like to work on that presentation, so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow, but I'm choosing to finish the show," then I know exactly what I'm setting myself up for, and I'm making a choice.

This often shows up in relation to other people as well, where we think somebody should behave a certain way in a situation or make a particular decision. The reality is we don't have control over anyone else. If we think that way about others, it sets us up for disappointment because then, if they do something that is not in alignment with what we believe they should be doing, we're left feeling disappointed, which can create conflict, resentment, or other unpleasant emotions.

So, hopefully, this will help you change the language that you use when you engage in some of that self-talk and those "should statements." It will allow for more flexibility and free will in the choices that you make in your life and alleviate some of the pressure that creates anxiety.

I hope you enjoyed this video. Check in next Friday for a new one, and have a great weekend. Take care.